THE END IS THE BEGINNING
Teddy bears should always be something sweet, but when you find a hidden camera, it becomes something psychotic. I never would have thought that someone I loved so much could be such an obsessive creep. I knew it was the last straw when I was left stranded in south city with no money and a huge scratch on my neck. Time and time again I found myself in this exact situation. From M selling her weed and getting hit because she couldn’t sell her half. I was only 16 at the time and I should have known better, but like people say, love can blind you. I was left in the dark for over 2 years trying to figure out WHY I was never good enough. Now I’ve come to realize it was never my fault.
Relationships bring happiness. NOT. Although the pure euphoria is something you might never feel again, is the pain really worth it? Even when you are at your worst no matter what, you find yourself sucked into this black hole that seems to never end. The fights, the love, the tears, even the last moments. They all bring the same pain. It won’t last, that’s all I thought. It is like a roller coaster, you never want it to end, but you know sooner or later the train comes to a stop and you have to get off and move on. Maybe it was the idea of having someone there. Or maybe I was just lonely. At the end of the day you can never really tell until it’s over.
I have a tendency to push people to their wits end. I mean everyone, but never would I have thought that someone who “loved” you so much could be such a heinous character. That’s the thing though, it’s all fun and games till someone reaches their breaking point. When the gun goes off, that bullet is bound to hit you. Regardless if they meant to aim it at you, someone gets hurt. Nowadays everyone is worried about getting cheated on so they engage in small talk but never let it lead anywhere serious. I on the other hand crave something deep. Something that will resonate in your soul. That’s what she offered from day one. Unconditional love. So I thought. They say the devil was once an angel and that he, or in this case SHE had a beautiful soul.
She knew my weakness. Back then I wasn’t as strong as I am now. Everyday we argued to the point where I was crying, she would lock me out of her house and leave me places. “Maybe it’s normal” I thought. Seeing my mom and my stepdad fight was the only relationship I have ever known so maybe it was just what couples do. We were happy… We tried to be happy, but deep down we knew it wouldn’t last. It’s something you hold onto with your dying breath. Of course you want to stay with your loved one forever but in reality is that even possible at 18?
A lot of things can blind you, it could be drugs, sex, or even the person. Falling in love is the most beautiful yet deadly thing there is. I know now that I do not need a woman or a man to satisfy my needs. But three years ago, even 6 months ago, my self-esteem wasn’t too great. Looking back now, I see where I went wrong. I do not blame the other party, I understand now we both were at fault because we both knew we could never hurt each other. By doing that, we were slowly killing each other in the most painful way. You ever hear of “smothering you with love”? That’s the realist saying I’ve ever heard.
Finding solitude in someone else’s heart can tear you apart. Being happy because of someone else is not happiness. You must endure the rain and the heartache to feel better. They say time heals all wounds — it’s true. Day by day you feel better inside, I had days where I wanted to run back and give in. But now, I KNOW I don’t need anyone to be happy. Don’t let a relationship get in between Happiness within yourself. Don’t be scared to fall in love, just love yourself the way you want to be loved.
