What would’ve Been
I Remember Clearly
I REMEMBER CLEARLY!!!!
The fear in my own mother’s
HEART
As her she stood
Stood in the kitchen
HOPELESS
HELPLESS
IN
SHOCK
AND
IN
FEAR
The words: “W got shot”
The courage it took for another son
The Respect I have for this mentor
My brother P
To tell our mom
Three fuckin words
“W GOT SHOT”
AT 3:OO
IN
THE MORNING
TOOK COURAGE
I hatefully regret being part of that night
I mean who wants to hear that their brother
Who I was just with at the 49ers
2012–2013 Pre-season opener at Candlestick
against the Minnesota Vikings
A couple hours earlier
is now in the ER fighting for his life
A GREAT DAY WITH THE FAM IS NOW A NIGHTMARE
That wretched car ride
from THE chills GOING down our spine
To the possible reality we didn’t wanna see
filled with tears of pain
Our family knows what it’s like to be from the streets
We grew up around it
We grew up observing it
We grew up hearing it
from the walk
to the talk
But we knew never to be about it
My mother could give a damn about these lack of resources
that should’ve been around us
If we didn’t we have anything productive or positive to do after school
Then she made sure our asses was in the house after school
Her resource was the only resource
Her resource was the only resource we needed
Her resource was her faith in god that one day that we become more than just a kid from the hood
I come from a family where my father didn’t have a positive impact on my life
in the early stages of my life
I come from a family where
W, my oldest sibling
Was helping my mother pay bills
By the age of 16
W was destined to be the man of the house
Long before I was born
The dagger
That stabbed my families heart
Mentally Knocking us into
LIMBO!
A hell with one realization
ONE Realization that
THE PILLAR
THE PILLAR
that holds
our family together.
Is for the first time in his life vulnerable!
Visually vulnerable!
We never seen my brother show his vulnerability to us
The agony of learning that
Big Bruh
might not be there to fend for you
Left me helpless
IT HIT ME
Because then and there
I came to a conclusion
A conclusion that I might not go to college
A conclusion that maybe all a samoan is good for is a high school diploma
IF WE CAN EVEN GET TO THAT LEVEL AT THAT
It’s rare for a Samoan or an UCE to go to college
Samoans are mainly taught to graduate high school and get a job
HOWEVER!!!!
There is a group of samoan parents that actually want their kids to go to college to get a better job
My mother is one of those few to actually want to get us to a level
Blocked by a barrier
A barrier
blocking Samoans
and
all minorities from getting to the next
LEVEL
BUT beside that
The fact was that
There were two realities
Two realities facing my family
Two realities my family couldn’t decide
It was death
It was as if death!
Death itself
was staring my brother
right in his face
waiting to take his life
It was as if death was
Hoping that the faint heart beat my brother had would stop
Desperately waiting for the heartbeat monitor to stop beeping
My family could do nothing but pray and sit
His life was no longer in my families hands nor his own
His life was in the hands of the lord and the doctors
His will power is what helped him fight through his struggle
As the police took statements
We knew they wasn’t gonna do shit
The police in my neighborhood rarely come on time
So how do we expect them to be helpful
BUT PROPS TO THE MAN ABOVE
FOR HIS WONDERFUL WORKING MIRACLES
But a blessing in disguise happened that day
God showed us his power
He showed us
Just as easy he could take a life
He showed
Just how easy the worth of a life is
Even though we aren’t faithful to god
He is a loving god
And is
FOREVER
FAITHFUL
In the end I always remember Marvin Sapp singing this verse from
“Never Would Have made It” in my head
“Never could have made it without you
I would have lost it all
But, Now I see, how you were there for me
And I can say
I’m Stronger
I’m Wiser
I’m Better, Much Better
When I look back over all you brought me through
I see that you were the one I held onto.”
