pop! pop! pop! it boiled within me, lava.
Such anger I am capable of, scares me. Such a cold heart I can choose to have, one that sees sadness, pain, torture and draws a happy bow.
Such anger I decide to keep within, such sadist fantasies I decide to erase. One may see strength, one may see beauty, in the control I decide to practise upon my inner urges. Dear, do you truly believe I was born with such nature? With such discipline?
Dear don’t you know I once held a hammer and drew rainbow across my skin, in order to hold it hidden from the world; one that told me I was simply over-reacting, that I was making it up.
But dear, how am I one to create such strength, such hatred when I am none but a human with the weakness of the created. Dear, I beg, stop believing such facts made by your mind, that which hadn’t had my chemicals, my memories, run through its twists and bends.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
I found myself again, on the ground, back to door, eyes blurry with tears. Tears that fall with the heat of the anger I turned to be felt as pain. Such weakness I felt. Anger was not turned toward the beings of this world, but rather directed at the very being who inhibited my body.
I felt so wronged, felt treated like trash, but I have grown enough from the past year to understand I was the one to give the power of disrespect to those around me, the power of which they used to make me feel small, to make my voice unhearable when all I wished to do was to shout that I am not a pet, and trash can to be treated as such.
Perhaps it is inner work, as I am one that if let words flow out, told down with a left on read, with a blaming directed upon thy self, with belittling. Perhaps that is of the memories, perhaps it is the fear that the past is once again still present that fear holds on to terrorize my existence.
Perhaps it is I that still believes of the possibility of threats, dear backbone, when will you ever appear? Shouldn’t I have been born with you attached?
“Dear, you traded me for safety from danger of which you had no other weapon to fight but hiding and abiding,”
it whispered back to me,
“you have to build me back, my strength is your choice to apply.”
Slowly, as disrepect rose behind my eyes, when the awareness hit, of what is wrong about the way I am treated, it filled me with such fear of what change will have to take place.
Keep it in, inhale it, exhale it within, get up and let the air dry your tears so your cheeks can keep record.
“Only you have the power to change what must be acted upon, but accept the inevitability of mistakes and hurt along the way,”
myself said,
“yeah, you have the strength, but yours is still of a human that is surrounded by none but weakness,”
myself reminded,
“yeah you have a mind and hands, but remember they are those of a human that is fated to do that which they have to repent after.”
Talk to the lord, is what did I.
Dear God, I am none but human, a creation of yours, of which’s job is to worship none but You, and so I have to believe in all, and take action within my life.
Dear God, I have sinned, I have allowed disrespect and meanness to beat me like a bush I never was, forgive me, give me strength to be stronger in a way that makes me a good believer.
The flames calmed, the lava dried, with none but sparks flying around. It is none’s responsibility but mine. To end the turmoil within my soul, as the end of a cliff has been too real of a fantasy lately, and it is I that shall taste the melting of skin if I were to carry out it.
-Aimz
