Eating Disorders: Manic to Ugly to Hopeless
This is a raw telling of a reality that I, and honestly, millions live. I write these pieces to show how truly inglorious mental health issues are. That they can be as ugly as any other serious terminal illness. This is real, and consider this your trigger warning. Read at your own accord.
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Eating disorders are perhaps not to blame. No one who truly understands DID would blame an alter for coming to life, a protector in the time of great stress.
Eating disorders (EDs) are that way, they come as a protector, a heart guard. They feel like the only thing you have to hold on to. Balance where there is none, acceptance when you are surrounded by rejection, sanity when you feel you are the only one insane in the room. Sometimes, brain chemistry plays a role, environmental factors play a role, personality traits play a role, trauma plays a role, but most importantly, we can never guess the true reason why an eating disorder developed; so don’t you dare play the Doctor role.
I have written much about my issues’ roots, so I am just going to dive into the reality that is lived by many.
4 years and a half is not a very long time in ED time, but let’s just say that I know that I have went through the ugly stuff; not all, as I am not in a hospital bed being told that I am to die in a few days.
It continues to be something that you hold on to whenever life is hard, getting back the control as soon as the stressful time ends. But you see, eating disorders are also viruses, they are dormant, dormant, dormant, then you finally notice them, and sometimes you do not have the facilities to recover, and sometimes you are dead before it truly plays its tricks, -yes you do not have to lose weight to die from an eating disorder- and sometimes you are forced to forget about any hopes of recovery to focus on things that are “more important” , and sometimes you try everything, but nothing works out, and sometimes, and sometimes, and sometimes.
You get what I mean?
It is not a black/white illness. It is not a food-related illness. There is not, and there never will be, a set agenda that one’s ED follows.
Here I am talking about the ugly reality that I live. If you will start telling me to be thankful for what I do have, you are welcome to continue reading, but just know that you are either in denial, or you never went through something as, yes, ugly, as this.
I am someone with many issues, I am also someone with a lot of privilege, I am also someone who graduated the top of her school, I am also someone who is grateful, I am also someone who puts her Religion above all. So don’t you think you can judge someone, anyone, or any situation, as we can never play God.
In here I talk about the aspect of my life regarding my ED.
Just like a virus it changes. Started with barely eating, to eating all the time, never keeping anything in. “Oh, my poor body”, I guess it is a thought that passes by, every once in a while.
When you reach this point, you no longer care for yourself, you see. And recovery requires one to care for themselves more than they do others. I am trying to show you this horror. I am trying to show you that eating disorders are a hell that you live and you sleep through. I am trying to show you that hopeless is something that we can reach, even if you are the most thankful and hopeful human on earth. A human is many aspects, love.
Love, please don’t wish for a mind that plans its shell’s future taking into account the future hospital beds, bills, tests. Oh, my sweet soul, you are worth so much more than to reach my stage.
Oh, my sweet soul, a scolding is worth getting through this.
Oh, my sweet soul, a year’s, or years’, gap before continuing education is worth it, because at least then you can think of your future, without thinking about the slow death that will take place.
Oh, my sweet, soul, I do not care for your gander, age, ethnicity, or all that other stuff, you are a human who deserves to live.
you deserve to live
-Aimz
