You know that feeling when it rains?
The peaceful fresh feeling that makes you want to curl up in a little open air shelter and just listen and watch the raindrops drip from leaves surrounding you. To breathe deeply and feel a restful sort of peace that only rain brings.
It makes you grateful to stay warm and dry, but so close to the rain that reassures you everything is being washed and cared for.You know the feeling of Christmas? Surely you do! The sparkly bright kind of excitement that makes you smile and look forward to every moment? You know the feeling of pure joy when you first step out to play on a sunny day? It is very free and you can’t help but run for all you’re worth because it is just so good. You know the feeling of savoring an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, each bite a taste of heaven you wish would never end? or braving the deep darkness of a cold swimming hole after a long hike? In my childhood these feelings and more were so alive. I felt everything as a child, each feeling attached to a certain time, place, event, or person. Now I am callous, mostly numb. The sensitive softness of my youth is hidden in a sea of memories and pain. I long for it to return. Somewhere along the way I lost them, all my feelings faded to gray. Sad, lost, monotonous. Not new, or exciting, or full of pleasure. The color left.I long very much for all of it to return, but I know it means facing the pain as well, feeling it all — the good and bad. The pain that drove me to cut and bruise my heart and hide it where it could only feel grayness. I want to be wide eyed and full of joy again like the little girl in all my young memories. I am young, yet I feel so old. So ready to be done. Forlorn, I long to find the joy I once knew, the pleasure I felt so easily and unhindered. Tears steal down my cheeks for the loss of my childhood, and for the forest which is no longer my home.
-PKL
