Today?
Today I am grieving. I am grieving the maybe’s, the might’ve been’s, the what if?’s, and must have’s.
Today I am grieving all that I lost, all that I gained, all the disappointments and lost hopes.
Today I am sad. Today I am grieving all the experiences that would have been’s, all the people that could have loved, and all the life that was not lived….. by me.
I shall not right this asking for pity, nor am I asking for help. I am writing this to share my losses, so even if you do not agree with mental health awareness, you may give sympathy where you are aware it is there, even if that sympathy was directed at yourself.
I am not sharing all of my losses, but enough to show that it is not a chosen struggle.
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I do not believe that others, and even ourselves -those who struggle with their mental health- realize how much this takes from us.
Perhaps, some may argue that we should only think about what we gain, but, then again, do you not think the sadness dwells within us?
Perhaps our failure to grieve our own sadness is what fills the well of tears during our funeral.
I am someone who loves people. I am someone who is religious, loves religion, and loves God. I am someone who laughs and makes people laugh. I am someone who got straight A’s. I am someone who is responsible, and mostly reliable.
I am someone who struggles with an eating disorder. I am someone who struggles with anxiety. I am someone who struggles with depression, depersonalization, and derealization. I am someone who struggled with self-harm.
I am human.
Perhaps it is our failure to realize each one of us’s humanity that landed us in this pit of hatred to humanity. But wouldn’t our hatred to humanity reflect to be our hatred to ourselves?
Eventually, we need to realize that hurt comes from hurt, but also love can come out of hurt. And we shall love when hurt, rather than hurt when hurt.
My eating disorder has taken over 4 years of my life, youth, and health.
It has taken away my ability to sports without having my arms and legs stop moving suddenly, without passing out, without thinking about the calories burned.
It has taken my ability to sleep with my hand under my head, or sleeping on my back. As I spend the first 10 minutes of my waking trying to have my hand work again, and my back becomes bruised.
It has taken away the feeling of safety that normal women must feel when they think about pregnancy, as I have missed out on the years I should have grown optimally during.
I has taken away my ability to focus and study without bouts of anxiety, without needing to take a few hours off to engage in behavior that may be the last actions I take.
It has taken away my beautiful white teeth…
My self-harm has taken over a year of my life.
It has taken away my ability to wear short sleeves, at home and in front of my nieces. As they ask me, “Were you hurt? What hurt you?” , and what am I to answer? What am I to answer to those beautiful angel eyes.
Even in occasions, trousers are to be worn.
It has taken away my confidence.
It has taken away a chunk of emotion that are somewhere within me, rotting and I can feel it.
My anxiety has taken away a lot of my personality.
No longer am I able o talk about my interests.
No longer am I able to give speeches as well as I could.
No longer am I able to have friendships and family members, without truly believing that I am a disappointment, that I am unloved.
Depression takes and takes and takes, then takes a break and comes back.
People think that depression is a one shot thing, it comes for a while and never comes back.
With me it is not that way. It may come for a few hours, disable me and place me on the bed. It may come as I wash the dishes and do the chores. It may come as I am trying to study or have a fruitful conversation.
I have always seen it as a rapist of a kind. Taking what it wishes and leaves you with all the mess to deal with. All the horrible accusations and scoldings. All the tears dried and bottled inside.
I have become a shell of myself.
If you are struggling, or if you are someone who is in contact with any human at all, remember to be kind, remember to give out love, remember that you are a human, too.
-Aimz
