I asked my sister a couple weeks ago, “Why am I unable to be the person I used to be? Sis I used to be able to hold the whole world on my shoulders and survive. Yes, I would isolate myself and scream and throw stuff around; but sis I used to be able to study, I used to be a good daughter, a good sister, and now I feel oh, so tired. Sis why can’t I do even half of the stuff I used to be able to do?”
She answered, “That is because you were acting,” She sighed, “you were living a lie for the sake of pleasing our father, you lived a lie for so long you lost yourself. You lived a lie for so long till you believed that was who you are.”
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That hit me. I was not ever able to build myself past the age of 10 because I was too busy being someone else. Memories that I have not been able to recover hit me. Of the person I used to be before. Why am I to my own memory, none but a stranger?
I tried recovering on my own from my eating disorder in the year 2019. I was almost recovered basically. Till my father disapproved of my looks once again. I went back to my behaviors. I was diagnosed with gastritis at the beginning of my recovery. For the first and only time I was rushed to the hospital, and yet it is still hung on my neck like a weight of a thousand pounds. I found out that my trust was broken and let go of a girl who I once called my best friend. I found out after I lost the weight that love was not the feeling my father felt towards me. Crack after crack from the human you, oh, so want to be proud of you. Crack after crack from the person you sacrificed your life to. Over and repeatedly. It breaks you like nothing else can. It breaks your soul and puts your life up in flames. Father, I love you father.
But as you go through life you learn that love is not always beautiful. You learn that someone who you entrusted your life to, can act as If you do not exist when you are in the very same class as her. You learn that you have so much of yourself to unleash and to discover. You learn that you can only be the person you are and no one else. You learn that you do not want to live in the past and that means you need to make present memories. You learn that you need to give care to those who care for you. And let go of the dreams and future you once planned with those who do not make you a priority.
You grow and you learn that you need to be honest. You grow and you lose parts of your soul. You grow and you find people. You grow and you learn that all the lessons you learned have served their purpose and that you now need to move on and go through new pain. You grow and you learn that you are filled with potential.
Dear you grow out of pain, then feel pain. But there is also joy. Dear, happiness is not an attainable goal. No one will be happy forever, or even for most of the time. People mistake calm, peace, and tranquility for happiness. Happiness is the goal like that of the desire for a certain body type. It is not something that humans aim for. It is a need that companies instill, create, in the hearts and minds of people.
Your heart is capable of much more than that. Joy, sadness, pain, peace, excitement, thrill, and so many more emotions are still there for you to feel. Allow them in and be honest with your own self.
