That I am. Writing about my real life and how it actually looks to struggle with certain things is one of the main purposes of my writing. Now, I was once told that I am not depressed because I am not in a mental health hospital getting electrocuted and attacking people. Thinking back on that, I see how humans I have met and read about think in a black/white way, hence, someone is either walking through a garden filled with green grass and red roses or you are a danger to humanity and need to be filled with pills and shocks to return to that garden.
That is why people in any kind of health relapse so fast, or eventually. We miss “the place in between.”
I am going to talk about that place and why it is so crucial to accept it and see it within our own journeys.
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In my eating disorder recovery attempt I gained weight rapidly. Not only was I eating to fullness, but I was also taking meal supplements, which is a very normal thing.
People around me missed that I was not well, though. I was not recovered. I still had so much progress to go through. I was okay with that. Yet, I was shamed and scolded for telling them that certain things or topics triggered me. I was shamed and scolded for talking about my lasting struggles and thoughts. I was shamed and scolded for claiming that I am still fighting and seemingly-unending battle.
I relapsed.
No, not because of how they saw my recovery. Not because of how they reacted to it. Their words and reactions are theirs, I have nothing to do with it. But because of them pushing me to do things I was not ready to do. In the end, no one has any control over you through their words or reaction, that control is one you give to them. The control they begin to have is one that is forced or taken from you. In my case it was being forced to eat food that I did not want to eat, do exercises I did not want to do, start diets I SHOULD NOT start. How I gained back my control? I relapsed.
That, of course, comes at a cost. I am losing two handfuls of hair every time I take a bath, I cannot lift heavy things, I cannot carry my nieces as well as I used to, my teeth are once again being damaged, etc.
Why do I allow myself to be in such a state? My health is not my priority right now. To some they would rather be dead that for their health to be deteriorating, than for them to be in constant pain. But that is the reality of improper parenting, unbalanced and unsecured (emotionally) life, childish mistakes that were not stopped from happening, the outcomes of mental and physical health issues. Very small things that build up to change your chemistry and hence alter the way you think about what is normal and what is important. I do not wish to be writing such brutal reality, but that is what it is: Reality.
I spent days and nights upset and sad about the way my years passed, the way my family and those around me contributed to my misery, and the endless mistakes I did and kept on doing. Truth is, I still dwell on the memories of the past, or rather, the lack thereof. But as I stayed alive for longer I realized that, although life doesn’t stop for anyone, it still demands living from your part as long as you are…well…alive.
I focused on following the footsteps of the past, but rather than them being the footsteps of tears and sadness, I revisited the places of coping mechanisms I tried and tried again, then gave up. It worked. I am not all happy and well, but I am actually doing stuff in my life. What stopped me for such a long time from doing that? The non-existence of the Middle.
It was either resting all day and being hopeless, or being the most hardworking human on earth. And so when I saw myself unable to do everything I needed to do, I would sit back and give up the day. Then I realized that I needed to take hold of my life and do SOMETHING, no, ANYTHING.
Sure, it took trying stuff over and over again, frustration, going on to new things, finally something working, but wait, I need to actually put one more thing on my MUST-DO list. They were as simple as stretching for 5 minutes when I woke up, or combing my hair. Months upon months allowed me to reach the point where I am able to write a post like this, and do my homework, and enjoy my family’s company.
What this taught me though, and why it is important that us, as humans, self-reflect and create the Middle space within our lives, is that other people are also going through similar things, and our inability to help or give our actually un-needed agreement to their self-treatment, is because our perception is skewed, rather than it being because the other humans are “not working hard enough” or “it is impossible for them to be suffering after all that!”
-Aimz
