Lost, but not dead.
It is a misconception that heartbreak is only between partners. It is a misconception that losing someone is only by death. It is a misconception that we live in a world that should be lived artificially.
Friends can break your heart, too. You can lose someone while still having them in your life. You can lose someone without it ever being your fault. You can lose someone and pray for their return, even after they have returned.
But at the very end, the lesson is, to know when to let go.
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I recently lost someone, then I lost them again in a way I never experienced before.
I lost many people before; through death, suicide, neglect, and distance.
I never lost someone while staying in touch.
Only myself.
But this loss, I think it hurt the way it did because I kept losing the person over and over again.
They stopped sending stickers, they stopped listening to my voice messages, they stopped texting back, they stopped reading my texts, they… stopped.
I cannot narrate the story from their side.
I cannot narrate the story objectively.
I cannot narrate the story as the heroine.
I cannot narrate the story as the devil.
I cannot narrate the story as someone without mental health issues.
I can only narrate it from my own point of view.
And I shall only narrate what is relevant to the message that I wish to send.
I am one that is used to mistreatment, I am one that is used to responsibility and looking after all but I. I am one that is at fault from that side, but I guess I do have a valid alibi for who that dares to ask.
That person promised me freedom, told me about change and another side of life. They told me that I shall break out of my shell and fly into the wide space and I shall blossom out there.
Perhaps I forgot that I am none but a little flower that is watering itself with what it needs; one that is slowly growing herself.
And that space has no oxygen, where which, I shall suffocate just enough to fall, crash, and be torn. Leaving me with another journey of self-discovery.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
The words were so new to me, and I sucked on the attention and care I felt. I am one that craves adventure and excitement, of which is hard to receive while sitting on a chair and studying all day.
I was scared and I ran away at first, but the mind wanders to places that it wishes to see but never leaves to reach.
It was like the opposites of the universe we call our world. Oh, how I craved change, how I craved safety from the hell I live.
But perhaps with the blinds that are on my eyes I saw change within myself, for none other than others, a good thing.
Oh, dear, never change for any other than the human that embodies your body.
I let my guard down and trusted with my heart and soul. “Oh, they might become another best friend like mine that I have now,” my heart wished.
“Oh please, dear Lord, make them so.”
As human we wish so hard for the truth to be what we wish, that we see the lie the truth.
We see red as green.
We forget that as we hold a beautiful flower, we ought to bleed.
Perhaps it was too good to be true that I worked to destroy it unknowingly, “oh, dear time, is it my fault?”
You see, perhaps one of the most painful things is to go from being a top priority, to the second, to the third, and to something that is too boring to talk to.
Perhaps the mistake we all make is that we mistake one’s perspective with the truth, just like we mistake our own thoughts and emotions as facts.
And perhaps when I felt like I was not worthy, I started seeking validation.
And perhaps my mistake was that seeked that validation from the source of degradation.
“Oh, dear time, will you give me another chance to desist that mistake?”
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
My mental issues came into play and my manic self showed up, my depressed self showed up, and myself was buried under the rivers of tears.
Perhaps a loss that was lost many times, the mistreatment that I felt, the un-prioritizing…
“Oh, dear self, I am sorry you spend all these weeks broken down. Oh I am sorry.”
They decided to leave after I sent so many texts. Blocked.
One of the things that one can do to truly kill me and shatter that which beats between my cage.
It hurt so much I could not study, nor eat, nor sleep, nor smile, nor laugh.
It hurt so much my body got sick.
It hurt so much my rib cage physically hurt…
My friends were there. The people that loved me, the people that cared, and even strangers that I helped.
“Oh, dear Lord, how I thank you for the blessing of them.”
I got up on my feet and I was able to eat and sleep and take my pills again.
I was able to study and smile and laugh again.
I was able to human.
then they came back.
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At first, I laughed.
I just laughed and laughed and laughed.
I told them that I understood.
I told them that it is okay, and that I am here for them no matter what.
No, that does not make me a good person, just a person that treats others with my own manners rather than theirs.
It was confusing and still is.
I lost that person, I lost their soul.
They told me that they think weakness of me.
I asked for their reasons and rationale, told them thanks and that I will try.
why?
Because one that truly knows their strength does not need validation from those who think otherwise without a reason that matches up with their own beliefs and values.
This human taught me so much.
They taught me self-respect through truly feeling disrespected.
They taught me what keeping someone a true priority is, as I fell off their pedestal.
They taught me how to do all that I do for myself, as no one should be reason for one’s actions.
They taught me how I act when I am being treated badly.
even if they never meant any harm, the harm was done.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
I am not an angel, I have my wrong deeds as I told them how I feel disrespected.
How I feel they grew distant all of the sudden.
How I always wanted them to tell me what is wrong.
How I panicked when they did not text in a few hours.
How I sent many messages when I felt I was not a priority any longer.
I have done my wrong deeds too, so don’t you think bad of them.
So don’t you think bad of me.
As bad is subjective to the perspective.
As bad is simply a label for personal closure.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
I am still in contact with them.
And with the new me I have, and with the flower than I am building myself to be,
I am excited to where time will take me.
-Aimz
