I truly do write out of wishing to convey reality. All platforms contain mostly the good, or sometimes fake, views of life. That can make one feel quite lonely when their lives aren’t the same as those around them.
This is my real life which I share to make others feel less alone around their real lives. So yes, it might be triggering, but this is your warning.
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I remember having very vivid and real imaginary friends until the age of 11 or 12. It felt like another reality, another dimension, some safe haven that I can simply run off to when real life got too hard to live, when the sounds of the bullies, whether at home or school, got too loud. If that did not do the job, I would lose myself into yet another book.
Real life never did attract me, and when I was forced to look at the responsibilities it had thrown on my shoulders, it was a tough slap. Any kind of second dimension slowly died off, and my mind was never too clear to be able to comprehend the words that were on the old paper. My life grew busy with other’s lives, and, slowly, two family members wrote my life to be theirs to live.
I isolated, deemed myself unworthy of friends, deemed myself forever misunderstood, deemed myself as dead by soon.
For some weird reason, perhaps it was my mind’s last route to escape, I truly believed I was going to die soon, die young. It sometimes is a symptom of severe depression.
My own company and the internet became my shelter. I have spent my whole life escaping the truth of me never building a personality for myself. Always seeing what my family wanted and did it. Tried so hard to be the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect student, but forgot to be the most important thing… myself.
I have recently entered university. I remember thinking, “well, now that I am not held back, I can carry on what I am passionate about, helping others.” I loved and still do love it. But what I did not realize is that in university you are not as invisible as you are at school. Some people actually care…. like they ACTUALLY want to help you. They don’t betray you, they don’t make fun of you, they do not spread lies about you, they do not snitch to your father, they… care!
Which to someone who lived within her mind for the entirety of her life is quite challenging. Within my mind, there are no consequences to what I say. I can be as suicidal as I am, I can say the most horrible things about myself, and it would be fine. I can talk to others and if it not ideal, I can repeat the scenario.
But when it comes to real people, they have emotions and feelings, they have ideas and dreams, they actually love you and care about you, and they also hurt you.
I was betrayed and hurt by a friend I held so close just recently, one that I loved and cared for, but all that I was fed were lies, or perhaps they did not quite understand the severity of my mental health issues. But I was also deeply hurt by a new friend and it was… okay, because that friend actually allowed me to explain my hurt and listened to me, and they, too, explained to me and actually did not want to lose me.
Someone actually fought for me? Like, they did not just tell me to leave! And it is only my best friend and older brother who did that for me in the past 12 years. So going through that… it is weird, it is so weird.
I read a quote a few years ago, it went something like this,
everyone will hurt you, even people that you love and who love you the most will hurt you, but you have the choice of who you allow to hurt you.
and I was always ready to be hurt, but it seemed I was also so easily replaceable. But meeting new people who actually value me, even like after a fight you aren’t locked in a room and told that your crying is annoying, you are actually like… apologized to!!!!!!!!!
I truly appreciate the people that have come into my life, and yes, when you have mental health issues, and you go through episodes and periods of memory loss where you cannot remember the good memories you made with those in your life, and you isolate, and you are used to maltreatment, it truly is scary.
You are so used to being left so easily, but trust me when I tell you that you will find people that accept you, and love you, and are there for you. Just till then, focus on yourself, and learn to be who you need for yourself.
-Aimz
