2020 was a time of great pain for many people, but perhaps narrating my own pain would make a soul somewhere feel less alone. As abuse is not talked about half enough, and I think that is a great part of the problem. We grow up thinking that our parents love us, when at the end, destroying you and robbing you from basic humanity is not love.
In 2020, I realized my father doesn’t love me.
No I am not looking for help, pity, or empathy. I am simply sharing this because I remember the endless nights I spent wondering if someone was going through the immense pain I was going through.
That maybe it wasn’t my fault…
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I remember the exact moment that I decided I was going to give myself and life up for the sake of my father. I believed with all my heart that it was my fault. He had just stopped scolding us, and I heard the pain within his voice, “None of you smile at me, none of you wish to talk to me, and even you (referring to me) the chick that didn’t even come out of the egg”
The pain within his voice vibrated till it reached my heart. I started smiling at him, cleaning the house, and talking with him. I gave up everything I loved about myself for him. My curiosity, my future dreams, my hobbies, my friends, my love for art, my time, and my precious curly hair. Oh, how I love my father.
I stopped eating. I didn’t understand why then, perhaps it was the bullying, perhaps, now that I think about it, because life lost its taste.
A few years went by this way. Me taking care of the house, the food, the money, him, and my sister’s kids when they came to life.
I decided I won’t live for myself. My father was in enough pain, my siblings didn’t wish to take the responsibility. Everyone told me that he would hurt me, that I am doing the wrong thing by giving up so much of myself for him. But, you see, when you give up your life… these things don’t matter. You are no longer alive, my dear.
I died.
But, oh my, were their words true!
Perhaps it was when I told him I do not wish to damage my hair anymore with the keratin, that I love my curls. Oh the disgusted look he gave me!
Perhaps it was when he scolded me for checking in on him, how dare I care about him when he doesn’t wish me to! How dare I not be a psychic!
Perhaps I realized it when he started calling me ugly, unlovable.
Perhaps I realized it when he told me that no one will ever like me, look at me.
But when was I sure?
That he didn’t love me.
When I was threatened to be taken to the police because I was sick.
When he told me he was going to beat me if my bones weren’t so skinny.
yeah, do not you dare tell me to gain weight, this body is my protection!
When I graduated top of my class from high school and he didn’t mutter a nice word.
I have come to peace with this. I never had a mother’s love, and I guess not even a father’s love.
Remember that love is unconditional, and sometimes it won’t come from family, no matter what others tell you. Just because some parents love their children, doesn’t mean all of them will.
And that doesn’t mean the problem is within you, it is within them.
You, my dear beautiful soul, are so lovable.
You will be loved my dear. And even if you feel unable to love yourself, remember to respect yourself.
I love you.
