I used to believe that the world of those struggling mentally was different from those who were not. I was wrong. The causes are different and yet the effects are the same. It was an observation that first offended my demons, hence I responded to it in vain.
Slowly, as my mind grew and my heart started beating at an audible rate, I saw it as what the reality around me was spelling out: Something is not right.
This is not meant to be kind or mean, this is just my experiences, observation, and the reality around me. If you have any other perspectives I am open to receiving any of them. This is the reality I find us living in.
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I tried searching it, and even the dictionary has no precise definition for it. Perhaps the closest meaning I found was free from mental illness : mentally sound, and even that would be quite controversial. As I once heard someone saying something in the lines of: Getting diagnosed does not mean you were not ill before the diagnosis, nor does it make you more ill after it. If we took the word Normal and defined it with the meaning above, and decided that everyone who appears in front of our eyes was just that, we would find ourselves in a very deep, dark hole.
I felt that way. I was so convinced that I am not normal and that everyone around me was going through life walking on fresh green grass, and I was the only one going through mud. I was so convinced that I was the only one going through hard stuff.
I also thought that that was just the reality, I was just being humble and real by not trying to cover or fake it. Looking back now, I can clearly see that it was none but my need for love and attention, my ego and arrogance playing such great roles within my perceived reality, that I could not see what actually was my reality.
Later I learned that those around me actually do go through hardships, but they try to hide it or put on a brave smile. Sadly, yet again, my arrogance kicked in full gear and told me that they just had more support than I did, they had a mother and a father and living grandparents. They had it all and all I had was mud. Remembering that time now makes me wince but I try to accept it and learn from it, as now I know that my future self would always see my present self as more arrogant.
Next I learned that all those I meet, have or will go through something that will cause them the same or a greater amount of pain than what I went through, am going through, and may go through. Sure, that seems like great progress, but I came to be someone who tries to be the super-hero in the wrong story, sometimes a very different publisher! imagine Donald Duck protecting Gotham City, yeah, I still cringe.
One thing about eating disorders is that they have so many dimensions to them. Each person’s dimensions and how they see them differ; mine were physical symptoms and states, along with psychological symptoms and states. Why I divided symptoms and states is because, in my case, every state I had would arise with its symptoms. Here is one example: After what seemed like the tenth time I binged and purged, my mind would go into this frenzy in which my mental and psychological symptoms would include hating everyone I knew, my mind would be so loud with so many different indistinguishable noises, and many flashbacks and regret would welcome me in floods. My physical symptoms would usually be hyperventilating, screaming, shouting, crying, and punching and throwing things. I did not, and still do not, know what that was and so I called it the state of anger attacks, due to the amount of anger and tears that it would cause.
These dimensions though, allowed me to open my mind to the possibility that ANY girl or guy with me at school, or around me in any place could be going through ANY cocktail of mental or psychological or physical illnesses -cuz you know there are always bonuses with every refund you ask for- because at the end of the day we are all identical, all smiling, talking and working. This is why there is a stigma, this is why everyone says “Oh my! I can never go through this thing!” even when they already are going through it.
Another thing that those dimensions gave me is the consciousness of how messed up our culture is. As I went through my eating disorders I could not just stand there and do nothing, I wanted to understand every aspect of it and what on earth is my body doing and going through! And so, I researched, every physical, mental, and psychological symptom and effects. As I saw them in myself though, I also heard my classmates talk about going through the same or similar physical symptoms. That truly rang alarm bells within my mind. How, on earth, were my classmates going through the same symptoms that a 4-year bulimic was going through?
-Aimz
