Perfection.
“Practice makes perfect,” they preach; sadly they do not tell us the full story.
This is real, this might be triggering, but it is the truth.
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I was always striving for perfection. Memorize the whole textbook page, get straight As, follow that diet to a t. Where did it get me? A lovely relationship with my sisters, my brother, my father, my teachers, a best friend, and a lean body.
This is a part of the story, now I am going to tell you what happens after.
I. My relationship with my sisters
My sisters have been fighting ever for a year before I arrived to live with them at 6 years old, my eldest demonized my older sister, my older sister demonized my eldest sister, as the youngest, I was caught in the middle.
My eldest scolded me when I had something in common with, or talked to my older sister. I was forced to hate her and talk bad about her.
My older sister was hated from all sides and I ended up playing a part in her misery, sure, I was only 6–8 years old, but that doesn’t mean I should not regret that.
Eventually as I grew up I was able to keep a balance between listening to both my sisters talk about how bad the other one is, and talking to each bad about the other. This way I was able to be loved by them both.
I recently got more in touch with my religion and realized that what I was doing was wrong, and so I stopped talking bad about them… Before I did so they mended their relationship, and I was left alone.
I was happy not to be a part of the quarrel anymore, but the question revealed itself, “Was I no more than a replacement?”
I no longer have a close relationship with my eldest sister, we might never be as close again. I have a good relationship with my older sister. Sure, I am not fighting with either of them, but I can never talk to them about how I truly am feeling, I can never show who I really am.
II. My brother
This is perhaps the relationship I regret ruining the most.
You see, when you get an eating disorder you are blind to anything that does not involve weight and calories, you are in so much inner torment that you use exercise and other means to feel better and to put your hand on whatever kind of warmth the eating disorder provides.
When my family put me on a strict diet (which I will talk about later) it later developed into anorexia, I wouldn’t eat for days, sometimes a couple weeks (the cause will be further explained in the ‘best friend’ part.) the meant that to get that perfect body I would sacrifice meals with family and anything that made me feel enough love to eat.
My brother and older sister would always watch movies together and eat, although I had the perfect relationship with my brother before that, it shattered as I drowned in my misery, I was lying to both my sisters and I have to lose this weight to get the acceptance of my father, little did I realize that my brother would be leaving soon and those times will not come back.
As I saw my siblings’ relationship get stronger, I tried to get closer to my brother, but because of my bulimia he was sad and frustrated, he always studied, and that resulted in me getting deeper into my eating disorder and farther away from him.
We are no longer as close. I love him, and our relationship is okay, but the time that passed can never come again. I lost such a golden chance.
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Perfection might be your goal in relationships, but it does not work that way, you cannot have a relationships without fight and the effort to be the first to say sorry. Never lie to reach your goals, because it is going to bite you back.
Next two are in the next post…
