Again and again as I surfed through the net, diving in the waters of abuse and manipulation and unhealthy family dynamics, I came across the “scapegoat” and the “golden child” like two characters that are either evil or good. I found very little concerning the troubles that follow and the hardships that the Golden child has to go through. And so, if you cannot find the sunshine, be the sunshine.
This may be triggering, this may be harsh, this might show excerpts from your own experiences, or maybe once that you caused someone/people. But here I am sharing my life experiences and emotions as the “Golden” to show that for some, it does not mean having money, love or affection. To some it may be worse than death…
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I came to live with my father after six years of staying with my mother. She was abusive, and he too. Difference being, I was yet to know about my father.
I came and I dove right into studying and memorizing. My siblings were the ones to teach me, well, how to be human. I had not known how to write, count or clean. — I recall my sister placing a thick book on my head and telling me to walk properly, even my human capabilities were off-balance — As my siblings, mainly my eldest sister, took on the responsibility of raising me and teaching me, my father took the stance of the Knight-in-Shining-Armour and would allow me to eat too much, sleep too much and play for too long. He tried so hard to show my siblings as the evil beings that forced me to study, eat only till I was full, and sleep on time, God Forbid! Like, Dude, you instructed them to do that, plus that was your role!
Now that I am older I know that he used to scold them for any wrong thing I did as a kid, things that were not even considered “wrong”, before I come he used to beat them, and he continued to do so for a couple years after that too. He fed me lies that made me believe that everyone was evil except for him. My mother would do the same, so I would not buy that. He would buy me gifts and food and tell me that he would only love me if I was a good girl, do chores and get the highest marks. He told me this way I would be better than my lazy siblings.
As I grew older and he instilled trust in me, he started scolding me every time I was the 2nd or 3rd in class, mark-wise. He scolded me because I had more fat than average kid on me, I weighed more. I was scolded for having friends, for playing chess, for enjoying sports, I was beat down. I was taken to a nutritionist who forced me 1/3rd my usual intake, 1/2 of the recommended intake for my age, and exercise schedule that burned most of what I ate. At 11, my hair was falling in chunks, I was fainting, and my skin was flaky and dry. I was thinner though, so I was his good child. I still needed to lose weight though, so I was still scolded.
I was driven into a corner, no friends, no health, no good mentality, no love.
But then again, I would be the “Golden” child, because I was ,and am, the A+ student, the one does chores, the one who agrees to apologize when all I did was meet a friend for the first time in a year.
Being the golden child also meant that I would be the golden sister. Anything I did or liked, that so much as resembled my older sisters actions or likes, would mean I would be scolded by my eldest sister. Shamed for liking and doing those things, shamed for spending time with my older; this included anything from liking the color black, to wanting to shave using a razor.
I was forced to act like I hated my older, I was forced to treat her badly and talk about her behind her back. But if I did not then I would be contaminated. I would be dirty.
But I was the “Golden” child right? I have nothing to complain about! I am much better than many!
The abuse that my eldest caused my older, resulted in my older abusing me. I was not to be respected, it was allowed to use and abuse me and beat me down. I had everything she ever wanted, I was the golden child, and somehow gave everyone the right to step on my human soul until it dies.
I am now living with body dismorphia, two eating disorders, mood swings, anxiety, depression, and other stuff. And then when I lose a mark in an exam I am shamed, told that I have everything I need to do better, that I have talent, but what is the point when death is more merciful?
It does not matter though… I am the Golden Child!
-Aimz
