“you have changed.”
It indeed is something I am hearing a lot, and have been hearing a lot.
And perhaps, I would agree, but I think it is more about me changing, rather than have finished my journey of change.
I got rather angry when someone would point it out, and the past period many of my friends pointed it out. I suddenly felt a huge wave of rejection succumb me under its dark waters. While they meant that they cared enough to notice, that they want to help, all I would understand is that I am not longer loved by them, that I am about to be left with no explanation like I was a few months prior.
I have shut myself down from everyone and everything. I do not listen to music as much, and I don’t just do what what my urges tell me to. I am simply being, I am simply excluded.
I do not understand it yet, it is not like I do not love my friends, but I just never feel up to talking. It seems with the action of talking, the memories follow as well. Flashbacks and stuff like that.
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a week later…
I realised, a close friend can stop being one. Yes, they will still tell you the truth, but they will go away when you are your worst self. I am not sure, perhaps it was self-protection, perhaps I was just too flawed to be around. But then I remember my current friends and they have taken my tears and cries and shouts and screams. They have taken my ugly and my bad and my horrible and my worst. They have stayed through it all.
I think it is a hard realization when you have to accept that you need to start seeing a very close friend as a passer-by, someone that helps in things that you needed, but then leaves, or stays, but stays far away. Perhaps this is my salvation. My salvation from the chain of human contact.
I… I get attached. In scary ways. I grew weak, so weak the past months. Slowly I am getting myself back together. But I guess as I detached myself, more and more, with less and less human contact my sanity came back to me. Slowly I can recall without self pity, and I can remember and reflect. Slowly I am able to get through each day more strongly, better, better, better.
I need to lose myself in things lately, lose myself in poetry and literature. I was never one to focus on movies and the like, rather I would get bored fast and move on to the next thing.
I need to also start taking care of myself. I stopped doing that a while back. It is okay to care for others, but it is mighty important to care for yourself too. Feed your mind, feed your soul, and just be yourself. Stop trying to mimic what those people in the movie are doing. If you are not feeling an emotion then do not show the emotion, if you are then do so.
Do not force yourself to care about things if you do not care about. Simply be honest and build yourself up, up, up. Understand that you will fall and crash. Allow your crashes to be unseen and silent, and if they were to show, then forgive yourself and stay your first firefighter, do not allow anyone else to take that place!
There are only three things you ought to do out of need: sleep, eat and drink water. That is it. Everything else, do them out of want.
Focus on yourself now, work on what you need to work on, be yourself for God’s sake. I know, I know that abuse may be what surrounds you, but you will get through this boo, you will.
I realize now, I haven’t talked to myself in a while. I miss me, I miss me so much.
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What hypocrisy it was of me to say, “Well, I am a writer, what have they expected of me when I am sad? For silence to be my reply?”
Truth remains that people do not know what we think, nor what we wish, they only know of their own past experiences and that is where their understanding comes from. We cannot make someone understand our true meaning, rather we should simply be true and truthful.
Dear, you need to understand that no one cares about you more than you do and your parents. Truly everyone is in their own wide world, and you are in your own, so live in it with healthy care for you rather than a destructive one.
Care for you in a way that allows you to work one you and not others, work on yourself boo, work on yourself and you will be well, very well indeed.
-Yellow
