In no way is this meant to explain the struggles that all students have. This is my experience as all I can talk from is experience. School was hard. College is hard. And that, to me, never was or is from the studies. Dealing with mental health issues is hard, but maybe sharing my hardship might make you feel less alone, even if you only related to one thing that I talk about. Below I only talk about one struggle of many.
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ANXIETY:
I wrote the word… and teared up. You see, I never even imagined that I would ever struggle with feeling anxious, let alone anxiety!
It is important to note that feeling anxious sometimes is normal, but struggling with anxiety to the point where your life is affected greatly is another thing.
I was always confident when it came to my marks. I was bullied about my weight, my origin, my stupidity when I was young, my being boring, every aspect of my existence was ridiculed from my classmates and when I came home the house was never quiet, unless it was the silence before a horrible… horrible storm.
Maybe my classmates might have a different reading, my family too, but this is what I went through, not others, and I shall narrate it as I was affected by it. So no, I do not narrate the truth, I can only narrate my truth.
Anyway, I would debate and give speeches and study hard and get good grades. I was good at nothing else… as everything I found my soul craving was closed off… study, study, study. This is what my young ears heard, this is what my mind commanded, and then the marks became the thing that my worth was decided upon.
Studying was not that hard, I had no one and nothing else in my life after all. Until sh*t went down. I was betrayed and my heart was stepped upon, I developed an eating disorder that ate at my brain and muscles… including my heart. I guess now I can say that at 18, I have had 2 silent heart attacks…
I can remember the time at which my anxiety started. First I couldn’t talk in debates as well as I used to. That was about 3 years ago… I was given a huge responsibility to bear at such a young age that as the years went by, when those efforts were just judged as selfishness and uselessness, my self-esteem diminished, aimz was slowly erased.
Slowly I started cleaning for hours and hours, slowly I couldn’t eat in front of people as someone might point out how shameful it was of me to eat a whole plate. Slowly, I stopped eating, slowly, I forbade myself to feel, and you see when you do not feel, you do not feel happiness either.
I thought my scars increased due to my anger issues…
looking back it was very much my anxiety that started my bulimia. Very much my anxiety that increased my scars. Very much my anxiety…
HOW DOES IT FEEL DURING EXAMS?
You see, you can calm yourself enough to study if exams aren’t very close. You can ignore the constant nausea, the knot in your stomach and the tears stuck somewhere between your eyeballs and eyelids, unable to come out.
As the exam comes nearer it harder to eat, it is harder to sleep, it is harder to have functioning muscles. Before the exam even by a few days, as you study, your gag reflux starts to take hold, you enter a constant state of dissociating (not as in DID) which, by the way, means very little of what you study when you are derealized/depersonalized actually registers with your mind. Constant panic attacks, then when you get out of those you cannot breath because some weird force is choking you all. the. time.
My hands seize, nightmares engulf my sleep, at times I shake all over. Headaches. And the fr*aking knot in the stomach. The constantly full bladder, the constant dizziness.
And if all of this did not happen at once during those few days/ week, they all come racing to you right before (and during) the exam.
And then try explaining why you got a low mark.
They would tell you:
“ you are making excuses.”
“Your reason is invalid.”
“You should grow up.”
“It is your fault.”
“Stop crying.”
Oh, but my sweet soul. Yes, whoever you are, male or female, young or old or any age in between, studying or working or a mom or a dad.
Here I am to tell you:
You do not need external validation.
Your truth is to be believed.
Your truth is still the truth.
Your struggles are real.
It is okay not to be able to deal with things right now.
I may not have the answers and I do not have solutions. But I am right here struggling with you. Remember that we are all going through our own struggles and pain, but we are all still people on this earth, and if you ever feel alone. Remember that I am here with you, and I believe you.
-Aimz
