I ought to say, these stories are to convey reality rather than idealistic ideas. We all have the ability to share our successes or the parts of our journey that we feel other talk about, too. But when it comes to the parts of our lives that we deem are too dark to share, we are one more person that is not sharing. And that is should be respected.
But what I write, is my reality, because even if I am one in a million, perhaps sharing that part of my life might make someone one less person who feels lonely on their journey.
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I always looked to learn more, to be taught, to understand, and have always asked why?
As I read and wished to apply what I learned, I found myself failing, again and again and again. If, for example, I wished to deal with my depression, I found that I would work hard and get better, but then I would suddenly fall back 100 steps back. I would wake up everyday and I would need to do the very basic things all over again. I got frustrated at times, but I kept on trying.
Now do not get me wrong, sometimes trying means staying in bed with your eyes open, just existing. And yes, it sometimes took me many days and nights to get up again and do normal human stuff.
But the thing I realized as I continued to work on others aspects of my life is that everything is this way.
You get up and you try and everyday you heal a little bit more, you fall and you fail, and you get back up again.
And you work on the next thing, you fight the next battle, and you move up that very big mountain.
Then you go through an event that, doesn’t cancel out all your past efforts, but forces you to fight a battle already fought.
I find that a lot with depression. Personally, I need to deal with a very severe depressive episode every month. If even for the whole month I was okay and productive, I still get at least a week of utter darkness, which I believe many can relate to.
That happens with anxiety too, you meditate or do breathing exercises, or you feel calmer, and for no reason the symptoms start spiking up and about and you’re here wondering where all those efforts have gone?
I have come to see them as people, really clingy people. When they feel like you are able to live without them, they attach themselves even more, they try to fight and the power they use is greater than any other time. And truly, it is at those times where you need to fight them the most.
For me, when I am depressed, I started allowing myself to sleep. Even if I have to study or I have exams, I still allow myself more sleep than usual. Because, personally, sleep deprivation increases the length of my depression, and having dissociative symptoms along with it does not help at all.
So I noticed the pattern where, as I allowed myself to sleep more, the depressive symptoms became more tolerable, and shorter in length.
What did I do before? I punished myself.
I couldn’t exactly think. It seems like my mind just… stops. It starts living in the past and am unable to carry out a conversation with those in my life at the present moment. So I stared at my books and laptop trying to make sense of the words written. As I got frustrated, I put on a movie that I, again, comprehended nothing of. It seemed like depression drove me to self-sabotage, and somehow, now when I am depressed, and I try to carry out human stuff and not succeed, I simply sleep.
I realized my weapon is to not self-sabotage. Whatever I find my depression telling me not to do, I do. Not sleep? Imma sleep. Not brush my teeth? Imma brush my teeth. And at days that just is not realistic. Some days I am well, and doing my hair and all is good, then the very next day I am back to square one.
If you go through the same process, don’t think that you failed, don’t think that you are starting over, you are simply building upon the efforts that you put in before.
I know it is hard to fathom, but you truly are just continuing on the journey started previously. And I know the smells and tastes are those of an age-old dish, and it feels never-ending and it feels like you are not getting any stronger.
I know that you are very frustrated and all you want is for something to simply work out or that the results can match the effort put in.
And let me tell you, you aren’t doing this for nothing, you aren’t fighting for nothing, and you are not failing in any way. I know that when we go through a relapse many people call it starting from scratch, especially if you count the days clean. And that thought process is truly what puts us all in a downward spiral.
We need to realize that we are never starting from scratch, the reason why we might feel like we are putting in the same efforts as before is probably because we are, but we are actually learning a different lesson.
Another point to note is that giving up is a part of the process. Sometimes we will need to give up on some things and some people to reach what we need. And it is our jobs to know when to do that. Sometimes things hurt us while being good for others, and sometimes people are toxic to us and bring us down, while being loved by all those around us.
We eventually learn that we need to, in a way, detach ourselves from those around us, realize this is our life to live and no one will ever live it. No one will ever have gone through what we went through and no one will know the whole story even if we narrate it. That is because a story of a human is not just a series of events, rather it is forgotten memories and felt emotions and trauma and perspective and bias and choices and brain chemistry at that very moment and outside influences and changes in environment and illness.
And sometimes we will simply give up on ourselves, it will happen, we just need to realize that that, too, doesn’t mean that we failed. That simply means we are human, and we are tired and we need a bit of a rest. Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to rest, and that giving up part is when life slows things down for us so we, in a way, can have some time to reflect. But, yet again, it is our job to get back up and continue fighting, no matter how many times it takes.
-Aimz
