How is it going so far?

If I told you that everything was going amazing, nothing was messed up and it was all fine and dandy, I would be lying. Truth is, most of this “start of a one year focusing on myself” period have gone okay. There have been a few mishaps. One mishap happened during the first week and then many weeks later. I’ve been getting many greenlights, and genuinely been starting to feel like a much more attractive person.

However, in a way, things have backfired. I realized sort of why I been going through what I went through, and even some of my inept bad habits like trying so hard to be a people pleaser. While this revelation may seem like a good thing, and it has even been happening before this journey, going through this revelation opened up some very dark memories.

Throughout this revelation, I re-explored what got me to this point, and how. I realized that it may be harder to trust people. I realized that sometimes isolating yourself feels good, and sometimes when you try putting yourself out there, people’s animalistic nature and hatefulness can show full circle. I’m no expert, but if you are going through stuff, putting yourself out there is likely a good thing. However, in my case and experiences, sometimes one can open themselves up to the wrong person.

I don’t have many friends. I do have this one friend from Canada who I seek advice from on women and various problems. Sometimes it is exhausting to open up. Part of me wishes that one day he has enough and never talks to me again, and that maybe being left with my own thoughts might increase my productivity. In a way, I found it both unhealthy and healthy, and both fulfilling and unfulfilling to get lost in your work. It is a double-edged sword.

The best way to look at it is the fulfillment of a greater goal bigger than oneself, rather than working to distract yourself from harsh times. Life is unpredictable sometimes. Sometimes, you must be forced to distract yourself. Sometimes, you just want to move to a new city or far away and not say goodbye to anybody.

I used to listen to The Fray alot, and I think this song often summarizes what it is like to go through harsh times:

The Fray — You Found Me (with lyrics) + HQ — YouTube

Throughout the song, I believe the singer is imaging God in the form of his friend or speaking through his friend in the corner. As the lyrics get deeper, the singer is talking about wishing God came earlier. Many times, I feel like in life, when we are complaining all the time or just too worn out, it is hard for us to see blessings in life or to receive more blessings.

We seek too much external validation from others.

That said, there are times where you could be going through dark things, and it feels like everybody is bidding against you. Before I started this one-year journey, one incident of trying to talk to a woman I knew, is that she became very abusive at a time my life wasn’t going so great. She made me a laughingstock in front of everybody and was laughing and causing a scene. It was at a church actually, and it was different from the more recent and different church incident after that. None of the priests were anywhere to be found.

Lots of churches have priests giving out sermons, and talking about how to help the depressed, or how to show kindness, but they aren’t doing enough to share the message with fire.

I feel like we need to go back to the days where the priest keeps giving the same sermon, every week, over and over again. Somebody might ask, “Abouna, you gave the same sermon 17 times, what is going on?”, and the priest might respond, “I gave the sermon to you 17 times, and still you haven’t learned from it”. We are very hierarchal humans, and many of us value emotions over morals. This allows for various forms of human abuse.

When things are getting covered up, or people are degrading and berating others, lots of times they think they are of high caliber and doing an act of justice. However, deep down, they may not know what that person is going through. There are some people that mostly see the light in others, and even those who put them down the worst, if given the same chance (and sometimes way too many chances), they don’t treat them the same way. As a result, instead of being shown mercy, love, compassion, or any form of affection, they are viewed as worthless and treated as the bottom feeders of society. In a way, this is how I felt.

I feel like we as a society seem to progress towards cowardice and hate rather than towards seeing the light. However, I know in humanity there is always something beautiful. In the women who abused me and caused all these mental scars, there is something beautiful. In the people in the business world who put me down, there is something beautiful. In the people who beat me and told me I’m not good enough, there is something beautiful.

I know society is filled with darkness, but a big part of me thinks light will win.

This is part of what drives me to innovate and build great things, even though many of you may not and probably will never know what I or many others have gone through.

I think there is light at the end of the tunnel and edifying yourself is part of seeing that light. This is where personal growth comes in.