I was much better off.
A long time ago, I didn’t care as much as I do now about getting a wife, or having children, or even a relationship. I was at a different point in my life, and I was entering adulthood. I was socially naive, and going through a difficult time where I thought I was not enough for my parents. I was not happy with what I was doing or in pursuit of, not a fan of where I was studying, and as I said, many people were taking advantage of me in my career and my abilities. I was in a dark place where I was starting to become spiritually lost, the inner self-esteem was melting away, and I craved validation. Depression at the time, hit me like a brick in the back of the head.
In order to avoid myself being hurt, I tried playing it cool. I was in the time period of my life, where I went through a lot in high school, and though I started going through those years of wanting somebody, a big part of it was just the inner teen drama of being socially naive and feeling unwanted. I started getting involved in the church, and the concept of Monasticism honestly intrigued me as a child. Women slowly drifted towards being the last thing on my mind, and I was emotionally reserved and better off isolated.
The time period where I first started having some major problems in the church was around 17. I met all sorts of girls, and most of the time I would sit by myself and not really seem to talk to anybody. I didn’t seem like I cared as much, and even though there were mistakes I did where I went on to care too much, I still was for the most part emotionally reserved and isolated. Ironically, the more and more isolated I became, the more girls seemed to be really nice and kind and wanting to sit next to me or talk. They acted all cutesy, and I started feeling confused. I started thinking of the possibility of many good memories happening. Then that was taken away from me.
Over time, games where being played with me and I went through so much heartache, stress, and drama for the next now almost decade. It led me to where I am today. This week I saw this girl from the church whom I first met when I was 12 years old. Me and her had some history, and I had some history with lots of people. This one girl in particular though, I didn’t start liking as much until my early 20s. She went through pharmacy school, been giving me an easy time then difficult time and this seemed like a reoccurring theme from lots of people.
She graduated pharmacy school recently, and between her and many other girls, she felt like she may not have been my first love, but the love that I certainly may have not recovered well from. At one point, she was going to introduce me to her mother, and unfortunately, nature didn’t go as planned. It was up until recently, I was going to try talking to her and maybe even seeing if there was some way, I can pop the question. Life, however, doesn’t go as planned. Even outside of her, this emotional detox already been messed up too many times to count.
So here I am, thinking to myself, “At one point, I was sitting, seeming more carefree, and lots of these girls came into my life like a full speed train. These interactions seemed to happen out of nowhere”. Even in college, I had one girl seemingly pursue me and a different girl seemed to have gained interest on the help of my suave acquittance as well. Sometimes, it feels like you are just sitting by yourself, and it feels like your trauma can be added to. This is what I mean by saying, “I was much better off”. In all honesty though, with how I been living my life, I wouldn’t say that I don’t deserve it.
