Something I wish people knew
In all honesty, sometimes it takes lots of energy out of you when you are kind to certain people. Agreeableness is a trait, and as someone who rarely experienced what it is like to be perceived of value by others in a group, I go out of my way sometimes. In retrospect, many times I feel like a fool. I have many people talking down about me in my local communities, rarely ever received any positive affirmations, and when I lack confidence, many people go out of their way to make me feel worthless.
My experiences with women for starters, can mostly have received a different outcome if I treated them the same way back. Half of it feels like I am not a nasty person, but the other half of it feels like I should do better and stand up for myself more. I know low confidence perceives low value, however, when I see anybody insecure, even if they done me wrong, I go out of my way to show kindness. This act has in turn, many times bit me back and made me feel pathetic.
You see, there are two sides to every coin. I don’t mean to feel or act desperate sometimes, but when a person has absolutely no confidence and goes through a hard time, to be valued, especially in larger communities including churches, is something rare. You can pray to God, and maybe even one day start walking and talking with angels, but to disrupt the human nature, this is a difficult task.
I often try to remind myself with stories of the saints, and then look at my life and how I have barely any spirituality, and sometimes perceived anger on the way others treat me. How shall I feel bad and worry, when I have a crucified and risen king to follow? This is my ultimate flaw. The severe lack of self-esteem and the consistent anxiety.
That said, the one thing I wish people knew, especially those who wronged me, is this: I know that you are insecure. These arms I have are meant to protect you, and my voice is meant to calm you. If you despise me, I am sorry, but to your insecurities, I hope they go away, and you find true happiness. I really want those who wronged me to live successful, happy and fulfilled lives, and I understand a lack of confidence creates the outcome that I have received. Afterall, insecurity is not from God.
That said, I hope things can improve. I need to go on another one of those journeys again where I don’t try too hard to please people. Being stoic and trying to be more mature about things is hard to do sometimes. There needs to be a fine balance between not caring too much but still being a decent human being. I want people to know though, that in this difficult journey called life, it does get better. You just have to edify yourself, work towards meaning, and grow spiritually in your relationship with the crucified and risen king.
