5 Ways to Make Your Home Feel Like Being at a TGI Friday’s This Valentine’s Day
For most people, there is something inexplicable about Valentine’s Day that makes them want to saunter out of the house, and be treated to some cost effective (and professionally microwaved) entrees. Whether you’re out with your single pals, Bumble date, or your boo, the day of love is not quite complete without the average ambiance a chain restaurant can bring. If you are trying to stay safe and avoid indoor dining, you’re probably wondering “What the heck am I supposed to do on the fourteenth? I guess I could invite them over to rewatch The Offi-” NO. Do not even allow yourself to finish that thought. I have come up with a way that we can all safely have that same TGI Friday’s-esque experience that we all so badly crave. These five ingenious ideas will create the illusion of having a shockingly accurate, 3 Star restaurant that will have your dinner guest wondering “Am I going to get my Sprite refill soon?”. So grab your notes app, and lower your standards; it’s time to get creative!
1. Break one of the legs on your table for optimal wobbly-ness and a life saving go-to topic of conversation if you run out of things to say.
What’s a Valentine’s Day date at a TGI Friday’s without the conversation piece of dysfunctional furniture? “Wow… this table sure is wobbly, huh?” Sixty second pause. “Yeah… wobbly tables are the worst!” “OMG I also think wobbly tables are the worst!” BOOM! Do you see how you can easily revert back to this subject if an awkward pause arises? Crisis averted! You officially have at least one thing in common. For extreme authenticity, put some soggy coasters under the uneven table leg (you may even find some gum from 1979 down there!). It will make you feel as though you are really there!
2. Put the Golf Channel on your TV.
The Golf Channel, or any other irrelevant sport like highschool football, is obviously the sexiest choice when emulating the casual dining experience. You may be wondering “Why don’t I just put on something that’s actually interesting, like The Masked Singer?”. Well, if your guest is more interested in who the Green Banana is than what you have to say about your favorite in-season fruit, then that’s a problem. The televisions are merely set decorations. No quality entertainment is ever allowed at these restaurants because otherwise, guests wouldn’t connect and converse on a profound level.
3. Curate a playlist that features artists like Nickelback, Three Doors Down and Kelly Clarkson.
A successful date is all about ambience, and music is a great way to create it. The key to creating a playlist similar to those used in our example, TGI Friday’s, is thinking back to what you heard at your local waterpark in 2009. No sexy, lo-fi music is allowed here; the only acceptable music are songs that trigger a deep memory of you in middle school or make you think “do they still make music?”. If you were to throw on some saucy hipster jams, you could totally break the illusion of you and your guest being at a TGI Friday’s, but if you want to go for more of a Panera Bread vibe, then that’s your prerogative.
4. Fill your bathroom with wet paper towels.
Yes, I am serious. We are going for extreme accuracy, are we not? Get a handful of paper towels and soak half in dirty sink water, and keep a few dry, but not too many (we aren’t as fancy as P.F. Changs). Scatter them around the bathroom, and do not forget to stick some in the toilet as well. While you’re at it, when your Valentine is using the facility, go ahead and give a couple knocks and knob jiggles while shouting “is someone in here?!”. They’ll be so blown away by your authenticity, you may get a smooch!
5. Present your date with an extremely miniature sized dessert.
No restaurant sells normal sized desserts. No matter how big it looks in the picture, it will always leave you feeling only somewhat satisfied. For this final step I recommend going the route of dessert shooters, because what’s hotter than licking chocolate pudding out of a glorified shot glass while everyone stares at you? The unfulfilling dessert will have your Valentine yearning for more, and that’s when you can go in for your big move.
Don’t forget to thank yourself for going the extra mile, because I can guarantee that person is going to want to see you again real soon. There is no denying the sexual tension that this atmosphere creates. Who knows, maybe you two will last long enough to make it safely to a real TGI Friday’s and fight over the last potato skin!
