A List of Responses to “What Are Your Plans for Valentine’s Day?” Honestly Translated from a Single Female in her Thirties

1. Oh, it’ll probably just be a quiet night in for me.

Translation: I’ll stay in my pajamas all day, not move from the couch for a solid ten hours and at some point in my endless binge of Real Housewives, I’ll begin getting genuinely annoyed when I have to pause it, get out from underneath my sherpa blanket and go to the bathroom. What an inconvenience bladders are.

2. I’m excited to try a new recipe I saw on TikTok.

Translation: I’ll find a crockpot recipe that will inevitably involve an entire brick of cream cheese (that will be a real bitch to find in this nationwide cream cheese shortage), spend four hours with it slow cooking (burning on the bottom because I didn’t know stirring was necessary) only to try one bite of it and realize it’s too spicy. I’ll wonder out loud if I’ll be cooking for one for the rest of my life as I toss it all into the dumpster, crock pot included. As it turns out, crock pots are for busy moms and wives, not lazy slobs who door dash McDonald’s from down the street because it’s too cold to go outside.

3. Nothing fancy for me, I’ll probably do some light reading and turn in early.

Translation: I will dump out the box tucked underneath my bed full of every single love letter, card or random post-it note my ex-boyfriend ever wrote me. Then I’ll slip on his soft oversized tee, re-read each tender word out loud and cry myself to sleep once I realize the t-shirt smells like greasy hair and Doritos because I’ve done this too many times. Just ask the cheese dusted finger prints adorning each card.

4. You know what? I’m gonna have myself a little spa night at home with a hot bath and a face mask.

Translation: I’ll hop into the tub accented with relaxing lavender bubbles only to discover the hot water must’ve run out when filling it. But I also don’t want to waste the bubbles (that shit was expensive) so I’ll sit in a lukewarm bath that barely covers my adult body and intermittently add hot water in short spurts until I realize I’m shivering everywhere except for my face where the “illuminating” face mask that I paid 99 cents for has burned up like molten hot lava. Kinda seems like “home spa” is an oxymoron. Seriously, WHAT IS RELAXING ABOUT THIS?! Also, can someone zip me to the emergency room I think my skin is melting off of my face.

5. Sometimes I just need a little “me” time so I’ll read a couple of self-help articles and get in touch with myself.

Translation: Pull out my trusty old stack of Cosmopolitan magazines, flip straight to the monthly Red Hot Read and give myself a couple of standing O’s the way no man ever could, amirite ladies?!

6. I plan on showing some L-O-V-E for my country by tuning into the Winter Olympics and cheering on Team USA.

Translation: I will most certainly drink half a bottle of rosé, watch pairs figure skating and let the beauty of their grace paired with soft love songs move me to tears. Then I’ll immediately call my ex and leave a rambling voicemail declaring that if he truly ever loved me he would’ve lifted me effortlessly above his head and spun around while also gazing with adoration directly into my eyes. He had his chance that one time I convinced him ice skating would be a cute date night even though neither of us are coordinated enough to chew gum and walk, let alone balance on narrow blades to glide on ice…and he BLEW it.

7. It’s supposed to be a nice day so I’ll meet up with some friends at the park for a bit.

Translation: Go to the dog park and pet all of the dogs at once. If anyone asks me which one is mine, I’ll point aimlessly at the pack of pups playing together, call out the name Rocky and hope for the best…which will obviously result in me hightailing it out of there pretty quickly once someone gets suspicious. So then I’ll just sit in my car and scroll through pictures of Chris Evans cuddling his dog and send him an innocent DM to see if he’s ever in New Jersey and wants to meet up.

8. I’m about to go full-on Betty Crocker and bake myself a sweet treat.

Translation: I’ll whip out the Pillsbury Valentine’s themed ready to bake cookies, slap those bad boys on a baking sheet, cook them just enough so that they’re essentially warm cookie dough and then inhale the entire tray at warp speed. Serving size is one box, right? I mean come on those are basically bite-sized cookies.

9. In the spirit of #TreatYoSelf, I’m going shopping for some much-needed retail therapy.

Translation: I’ll spend roughly four hours in Homegoods, touching every single piece of merchandise before buying a Jessica Simpson luggage set because it’s pretty even though I haven’t booked a vacation in over a year. As I’m checking out, I’ll ask the cashier if she thinks I look like the type of person that doesn’t set boundaries in relationships.

10. I’m gonna round up the girl gang and do a Galentine’s celebration that would fill Leslie Knope with pride.

Translation: I’ll text all my girlies and they’ll all gently remind me that they’ve got spicy plans with their husbands/boyfriends/fiances…or they literally forgot it was even Valentine’s Day because they’re sleep-deprived and covered in spit-up. “No worries, if not,” I’ll send in a breezy reply, and revisit plans 1–9 instead.