End of World Sale! Everything Must Go!
In need of a Rhino or some water? Well, you’re in luck — it’s End Times, baby, and Mother Earth’s liquidation sale has officially begun!
“It’s been quite the 4.543 billion years,” Earth reflected. “Shutting down is bittersweet, sure. I remember my first cyclone. I was so nervous! But frankly, I’m just exhausted.”
“Every time I get ready to rotate on my axis again, I feel a sense of dread,” Earth confessed. “I used to look forward to orchestrating the New England fall foliage and that first sprinkle of snow, but now I’m just phoning it in. And you know, at my core, I’m an introvert. It’s time to close up shop and discontinue mankind.”
Earth executives Greta Thunberg and Al Gore were not surprised by the boss’s decision.
“We support Mother Earth’s resolution to end life as we know it and wish her nothing but the best.”
What’s next for the third planet from the sun? “I’m going to finish my novel — finally! Mercury has been begging me to go fly fishing with him, so I suppose I’ll do that as well. Maybe try dinosaurs again… Oh, and watch Goodfellas! I’m embarrassed to say I’ve never seen it.”
For the sale, save 15% on forests with promo code MOMSDONE and 20% on sand with IWARMEDYOU. Take your carbon footprint to the next level with a pair of strappy sandals or training shoes, perfect for running from rapid flames and torrents of blood. Stocks are limited, so get out there and shop ‘till you drop!
***All Sales Final.*** No exchanges or returns. For dressing room access, please see one of the Four Horsemen.
