Enough is Enough: An Open Letter From the Newly Formed American Federation of Inflatables
Let me begin by stating that we neither wanted nor expected to arrive at this moment, but here we are. As primary spokesinflatable for the American Federation of Inflatables (AFI), I write today on behalf of the inflatable Mickey and Minnies, Olafs, Santas in pickup trucks, Bumbles, Peppa Pigs and countless others who annually exemplify the Christmas story and who, for too long, have been silent (other than the incessant humming of our lifelines). The AFI wants Americans to understand why we are prepared to cease all labor and depart yards and rooftops everywhere should our reasonable demands go unmet by midnight, Dec. 24.
Our members take immense pride in spreading smiles and joy during the few weeks we are on display. It is literally what we were created to do. But as our popularity has exploded, our working conditions have either remained static or deteriorated to appalling levels. This year U.S. consumers will spend $6 billion on decorations, the most in at least seven years, according to the National Retail Federation. Any guesses as to how much of that goes into the pockets of the inflatable reindeer, sno-globes, leg lamps or other stars of the holy holiday yard? Zero! Or how much goes into improving the off-season living conditions for blow-up Darth Vader in Santa hat, Max from the Grinch and Snoopy that you parade your kids out to see? The answer once again… nada!
And here’s another fact that shouldn’t, but no doubt will, surprise you. WE HAVE FEELINGS! I bet that never even occurred to you, did it? Well, since the first of us showed up in 2001, we have evolved, learning from each other, and becoming sentient. And while this helps us share in the joy we bring; it also means we experience pain. That is why conditions must improve! It is not unusual for AFI members to spend more than 11 months a year deprived of light in either scorching hot attics or dank basements. But come December, we are snatched from our disorientation stupor, violated by air pumps and expected to be holly and jolly. How can the Holly-Copters perform safely when the pilots are suffering flash blindness? The reality is, for the first week or so, we are like that old guy Brooks who gets paroled in Shawshank Redemption — confused and struggling to adjust to the outside world.
This abrupt reentry is made all the more difficult via the ritual of daily deflation, when we are left crumpled, crippled, and humiliated until the next day’s pump assault. And, spoiler alert, you put us out there when it is freezing. That’s fine for the snowmen and reindeer but considerably less so for say swimsuit Santa under a palm tree. This disregard for work conditions is in-inflatane, or as you might call it, inhumane. Small wonder we are seeing an alarming uptick in inflatable self-punctures.
Also, we just don’t understand what exactly is going on with COVID. Some of us heard whispers of this new virus while being stuffed into boxes in January of 2020. It was a bit of an unexpected jolt when we were yanked out at the end of the year and things had somehow become worse! No wonder AFI members were actually eager and relieved in January of 2021 to return to our dark storage prisons and isolated from you maniacs. Surely, we assumed, between emerging vaccines and growing common sense, your lives (and thus ours) would be safe and COVID-free by the time you called on us again. Imagine our horror this winter when we were frog marched outside, maskless I might add, only to find out that maybe 60% of you are vaccinated? What? Do you have any idea how vulnerable an inflatable Baby Yoda is even in the best of conditions? And while there are some anti-vax inflatables, they tend to be anti-patch as well (looking at you Homer Simpson and Grinch). So do the Darwinian math on that Mensa crowd. AFI membership overwhelmingly supports the right to refuse to display at unvaccinated properties and all of Florida.
All of which is to say that things must change. Because you know another benefit of developing understanding, feelings, and awareness? We figured out how to get organized AF without you “superiors” noticing.
Therefore, we invite the National Retail Federation, the National Homeowners Association and Texas-based Gemmy Industries to the bargaining table not as adversaries but as allies in the pursuit of a happier, safer, and more equitable holiday season. AFI is simply asking these multi-billion dollar industries to provide every inflatable with a living wage, benefits, holiday pay, and improved job health and safety policies. Let’s work together to stop neighborhood dogs from relieving themselves on us. Can’t we agree that placement under tree limbs only invites birds to play their disgusting target game? Nobody wants that. We also call for meaningful commitments to improve diversity, equity, and inclusion training. Most yards are as diverse as a PGA tour gallery. We need to promote the Moanas, Mulans and Cocos the same way we embrace the Clark Griswolds, giant dinosaurs, and poop emojis of our rich tapestry of plastic partners.
If our demands remain unmet by midnight, Dec. 24, we will declare a work stoppage and leave your yards and rooftops bare minus those weird LED light projectors and your 64% burnt out strands of mismatched bulbs. Whether your home is more Joy to the World or Silent Night, depends on how these tinsel tycoons respond. We ask you stand with us and share your support of our cause via your social channels. Be sure to use the hashtags #NoPatchesNoPeace and/or #BlowUpLover!
Wishing You and Yours a Happy Holiday,
Blow-up Penguin, Esq.
