Exciting Things to Look Forward to as Humanity Destroys the Earth
The new Apple gas mask, iFilter.
Acid rain that will get you high.
No one trying to convince you that you’ll like seafood if you “just try it” because all ocean life is dead.
More time indoors with Netflix under a weighted blanket.
No longer needing Instagram filters as the smog gives everyone that golden hour glow.
Midwestern real estate becoming beachfront property.
Going viral, literally.
No one can say that you “don’t even know how to boil water,” since you have to do it every time you fill your Hydro Flask.
Blaming farts on fracking earthquakes, chemical spills, or natural gas.
Being able to drive across the Great Atlantic Detritus Land Bridge on a vacation to Europe.
Getting to see if it’s true that cockroaches really can survive anything.
Real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle TikToks.
Mass extinction means cool animal skeletons to mount above the fireplace.
Constant sludge causes everyone to take off their shoes at the door, so asking them doesn’t make things weird.
Campfires on the beach are easy — just light the sand.
Increased chance of radioactive arachnid bites, giving you access to the Spiderverse.
NASA locating a new habitable planet we can colonize, industrialize, and then destroy.
Greta Thunberg getting the literal last laugh.