Five Best Positions For Lying Down and Thinking About the Climate Crisis
This Earth Day, you may be feeling like everything has been thrown into chaos and the world is about to meet its fiery end. And that’s because it is! So instead of planting a tree or recycling your empty jars of Trader Joe’s cookie butter, why not lay down and do something relaxing, like contemplating the Earth’s inevitable demise? Well, I’ve got you! Here are the five best positions for lying down and thinking about the climate crisis.
#1: CHILD’S POSE
Get into the spirit of Earth Day and whip out some yoga! As you bow to Mother Earth, you’ll probably be thinking, “wait, was 2020 the cutoff for reversing climate change, or do we have until 2024?” Great question, by the way. The answer? Who cares! We will all soon be worm food, which, incidentally, is a great way to give back to the planet.
Child’s pose is also ideal for taking deep breaths, which you definitely will need as existential thoughts flood your mind. Just remember to exhale. But not too much. After all, any more CO2 in the air and we’re goners!
#2: SOLDIER’S POSITION
Maybe you’re in the mood for a classic stare-at-the-ceiling-and-think-about-humanity’s-sins sesh. Well, get into position, soldier! Simply get on your back and keep your arms pressed as close to your sides as the Earth is to near-total destruction.
Soldierly as you are, you may be wanting to fight climate change rather than staying as motionless as a fish caught in the BP oil spill. But it’s a little late to go green, G.I. Joe! At least, for us, it is. For the major corporations who’re doing almost all the polluting, they could definitely still stop and fix everything. But why should we ask for things to be better when they can continue to get worse? Let’s be reasonable, peeps!
#3 LOG POSITION
What better position to ruminate on our dying trees than the log position? To get in this position, lay stiffly on your side and reflect on that one day where the forest fires on the west coast were so intense, the sky was red.
Another thing you can think about while laying it down tree-style? All the paper we thought we were recycling that just got thrown away and is now rotting in a landfill. And speaking of rotting, that’s exactly what we’ll all be doing in about 30 years max!
#4 FREE-FALLER
Sometimes the best way to think about tough subjects is with your head completely buried, numb to your surroundings. That’s why I recommend lying on your stomach in the “free-faller” position. As you feel a scream build in your throat, release it with all your might into your pillow. Your howls may be muffled, but Earth’s only grow stronger, threatening to deafen all who cross her path!
Let’s not forget this position is called free-faller for a reason. Much like someone whose parachute has collapsed and is falling to Earth, you’re probably thinking, “uh-oh! I do not think I will survive this.” And like that very much deceased parachuter, you would be correct. But fear not! When the world burns, we will burn too, and once our skin cells are gone, it won’t hurt at all.
#5 FETAL POSITION
Is the countdown on Earth’s death clock making you wish for simpler times? Sounds like lying down in fetal position and regressing is exactly what you need. Just curl up on your side with your knees tucked and start crying like a little baby.
Speaking of babies: I hope you were NOT planning to have kids! Sorry, Gen Z, but looks like the future is more “smog and general anguish” than “white picket fence.” But that’s okay! Cats and dogs are perfect for filling that paternal void. Not to mention they have a much shorter lifespan than humans, which means they’ll definitely die before the planet does. Woo!
As Earth day comes to a close, you may be feeling a little on edge, given the whole “the Earth is dying” thing. There is a solution, though! Just go back to normal life and push all the bad feelings deep down inside. This way, you can focus on living however much of your life you have left before the greed of corporations inevitably snuffs us all out. And remember: reduce, reuse, recycle!
