Krampus Apologizes For Once Again Disgracing Himself at Staff Christmas Party

December 23, 2021 03:29am

To: corporate@northpole.com

CC: Accounts, Human resources, Mrs. Claus, Grandfather Frost, Elf Department

Subject: last night’s unpleasantness

Dear fellow work colleagues,

This group email is to apologize profoundly for my behavior at last night’s staff Christmas party. While whipping responsibilities are part of my remit, I understand this privilege does not extend to any of my superiors or the accounting department. I also appreciate that St. Nicholas was considering our health when he selected our gift from corporate, and that it was unprofessional to call him a ‘big beardy ball-bag’ in front of the entire team and then proceed to throw oranges from said fruit basket at his face, and to later attempt to yank his beard off — convinced at the time that it was a fake. In extension, I shouldn’t have held that banana suggestively while repeatedly flipping off Mrs. Claus as she begged me to lay off the eggnog and ‘please not ruin another party’.

Although I do not remember the full extent of my actions from 9.30pm onwards, I can assure you I was also sorry to hear that my choice of karaoke song (Cardi B’s, WAP) may have made some of you uncomfortable. In hindsight I should have taken that feedback on board when Grandfather Frost advised me of this rather than calling him ‘a frigid beardy loser who needed a life’. Specifically, Mr Frost, I am sorry that I belligerently suggested we deal with our professional differences ‘festivus feats of strength style’ in the carpark.

I hope you can all forgive me in the spirit of the season, and rest assured I was all talk when I threatened that your children had a one-way ticket to my basket. I look forward to continuing our professional relationship.

Sincerely,

Krampus Krampen

[Photo by Torsten Dettlaff from Pexels]