My Inner Monologue While Texting My Crush To Be My Valentine
Hey girl!
(No wait don’t call her girl, she’s a grown woman.)
Hey woman!
(Well now that just sounds like a 1950s husband begging for a beer and a hoagie!)
Hey you!
(Smart, classy even — right to the point and she knows exactly who you’re addressing.)
Hey you! I think you should…
(Oh you’re a thinker now? You’re just Roden’s “The Thinker” all of a sudden? Grow up! Be confident, be direct.)
Hey you! You should…
(Don’t tell her what to do — she’s got Sagittarius in her chart.)
Hey you! If you’re free…
(Ok perfect! This says “I recognize that while we’re in a quasi-quarantine, I don’t know the full extent of your daily activities and therefore I am being polite by not assuming you’re just automatically available.” She’ll love how respectful I’m being. Wait…what if I’m being too respectful? What if she’s into bad boys — what if it’s her kink? Do I even know what a kink is? Literally, define kink right now…)
Hey you! If you’re free, I was wondering…
(Great! Back to that thinking shit again!)
Hey you! If you’re free, I’d love to…
(Hot. So hot. She’s gonna melt.)
Hey you! If you’re free, I’d love to take a walk in the park with you — let’s say Sunday, February 14th?
(In 30 degree weather? Get wrecked.)
Hey you! If you’re free, I’d love to have a cute lil Valentine’s Day Zoom date with you?
(………Zoom…….really?)
Hey you! If you’re free, I’d love to cook for you sometime — say Sunday, February 14th?
(Oh yeah? Y’all are just gonna hang out in your kitchen, and what? Cook up a steaming pot of COVID together?!)
Hey you! If you’re free, I’d love to…
(Is this even who I am? Do I even WANT a Valentine? Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic monster wrapping its pudgy little fingers around our hearts and squeezing tight until bug-eyes pop out, like one of those dolls where if you squeeze it really tight…bug eyes will pop out. And I’m just a sorry sap, a cuckold, for even deigning to entertain the notion that I should even want a Valentine…flowers sure are cute, though.)
Thinking of ya! Hope you have a great Valentine’s Day!
(Nailed it.)
