The Joys of the Holidays, Repurposed for Quarantine
Run a lit menorah under your hand to make sure you can still feel things.
NOTE: This piece was co-authored by Evan Allgood & Cara Michelle Smith.
Instead of exposing your kids to a possibly contagious mall Santa, take them to meet a surly bodega cat who won’t let them within six feet of her LaCroix throne.
For a hot cup of quarantine cocoa, microwave some ZzzQuil and toss in a couple marshmallows.
Tilt the star atop your tree 30 degrees to make it a pentagram, because we all know which fallen angel is pulling the strings these days.
If putting up an actual tree is too bitter a reminder of the Before Times, just hang a bunch of green stuff on your coat rack. Finally, a use for that moldy block of Swiss in the back of your fridge, and that festive turtleneck you’d wear on dates, before romance was a distant memory.
Remember a couple weeks ago, when you nailed a bunch of tube socks to the mantle as your mind succumbed to the chaos? Those are stockings now.
Make a wreath by tying together all the plants you’ve killed with your over-attention.
Create an Advent calendar by grabbing a single Post-It note, writing “Is it over yet?” on one side, writing “No” on the other side, and reading it every morning until Christmas (and beyond!).
Do Secret Santa with Kevin, the mouse you’ve become weirdly attached to over the past 22 months.
Hang a mistletoe above the mirror, blow yourself a little kiss, and schedule a Zoom call with your therapist to unpack the interaction.
Replicate the experience of last-minute shopping by hammering your feet until they bleed, then throwing $200 cash out the window.
Build a papier-mache snowman out of anti-vax propaganda leaflets and unsolicited takeout menus. In lieu of a carrot-stick nose, jam one of your unworn high heels squarely in the middle of his face. For the eyes, use beans. Don’t bother adding a smile.
Run a lit menorah under your hand to make sure you can still feel things.
Leaving out milk and cookies made sense when the world wasn’t burning. All Santa needs this year is rice, flint, and a Bowie knife.
In lieu of caroling with the neighbors, just scream.
