The Virgin Mary’s Holistic Birth Plan
Dear Reader,
As you know, I will soon be birthing the infantile center of the universe. If it would be at all possible, I would like this list to be used as a guide for my impending birth process. This birth is important, as the child it produces will not only inspire a lot of fantastic architecture, but also an inexplicable passion for bringing large dead trees inside of homes. So I kindly ask that you follow my plan as closely as possible.
Labor
-In the event that the more sterile environment of an inn is not available in which to labor, I would like to request that my birthing unit be a stable with as many livestock present as possible.
-In the event that the comforts of a bed in which to birth are not available, I would like to request the next best thing: a spikey bale of hay.
-No music is to be played, please. This needs to be a completely fucking silent night.
-On second thought, not too silent, or things might feel awkward for the attending barn animals. Please bring in a small child playing the drums, I’d like a boy if one is available.
-Medication: Will be handled internally. If this baby can turn water into wine, turning my contractions into morphine should be easy for him.
Birth
-Under no circumstances is the baby’s real father to cut the umbilical cord. He impregnated me without permission, it’s anyone’s guess what he might try if allowed to handle scissors near my open vaginal cavity.
-Upon birth, please take the infant and place him into the same trough from which the animals have been feeding.
-As the baby’s father and I have both tested negative for leprosy, we wish to decline the cedarwood oil treatment upon his birth.
-Please remember that Joseph is for decoration only.
Postpartum
-While I’m still bleeding from the birth, I will find it extra comforting if three strange men that I’ve never met could appear at my bedside.
-I’d like it if these men would bring newborn essentials, like precious metals and perfumes.
-If at all possible, I’d love to listen to them mansplain the significance of what has just been expelled from my vagina. The bloodier I still am from the birth, the better.
-Once these strangers have arrived, we shall all assemble into the same position and stare creepily down at the infant while he sleeps in the trough. This act is to include the barn animals, same creepy stare please.
-I’d like this pose recreated on every front lawn for a minimum of the next two thousand years. When front lawns are not available, mantles and coffee tables will make an acceptable substitute.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to participate in my birth plan. Because of this baby, mankind will have forgiveness from all sins, and a socially acceptable excuse to get ridiculously drunk in the middle of winter for the rest of eternity. You’re welcome.
