We’re the Aliens from Independence Day, and In Our Defense, All We Really Wanted Was Jeff Goldblum
Allow us to explain.
Even with our exceptionally advanced technology, there’s one thing we haven’t been able to successfully replicate, and it’s a Jeff Goldblum. Everyone loves Jeff, especially us, and we were determined to make him ours. He might have a quintessential stepdad name, but make no mistake, that man is no stepdad. Jeff Goldblum is pure human gold, perhaps that’s why it’s in his name. He’s been a fly/man hybrid. A ruler of a planet of trash. A successful Portland knot salesman. There are even Gen-Xers out there who remember him being in movies with things called soundtracks. And now…we’re ready to give up this transient space alien lifestyle we have going, to experience the quaint simplicity of apartment living, all thanks to our main man Jeff.
Did you think all the theatrics were because we didn’t want Will Smith to marry that stripper? You thought wrong, America. She may not have been our tastes (we prefer fleshy and hairless with large, lidless eyes), but you don’t have to have telepathic communication abilities to know that she was hotter than a summer on the surface of Venus. Of course we wanted him to marry her. We’re hostile extraterrestrials, not sociopaths.
But we digress.
Why did we have to ruin 4th of July? Why couldn’t we have ruined a less enjoyable holiday, like maybe Arbor Day, or perhaps Columbus Day? That’s simple…Arbor Day had already been ruined by John Denver, and Columbus Day had already been ruined by Columbus. In order for our plan to work, we knew we would have to do something involving a lot of fire hazards to get Jeff’s attention. Fourth of July was the clear choice.
What can we say? It was 1996. It seemed like a good time to make our move. Life was looking pretty good on Earth, so we figured you wouldn’t expect it. Clinton was president, there were only THREE Star Wars movies ever to be made, and it seemed like you guys were actually done with mom pants for good. You may have viewed our placement of hostile spacecraft in every major city as a huge dick move, but we viewed it as a very necessary step in the art of Jeff Goldblum seduction. We had to go big, because “go home” isn’t an option when your home is 4 billion light years away. And you know what? Our plan almost worked. If it weren’t for Randy Quaid and that damn coffee (who knew anything other than cold-brew could be so effective?), we just might have ourselves a Jeff with us as we speak, and that abysmal sequel would have never had a chance at getting made. Kind of makes you wish you could turn back the clock and do some things differently now, huh America?
Did you know Jeff is also a jazz musician? And has children named after bodies of water? No one knows his true IQ, but we’re pretty certain it’s somewhere between 100 and “cures brain tumors in his spare time.”
It’s now been twenty-five years since our failed attempt at accosting Mr. Goldblum, but what continues to haunt us more than our abysmal failure is Earth’s complete misinterpretation of our motives. Do you really think we’d planned to put a bunch of effort into actually destroying your shitty planet just so we could take it over? Please. All of our technology is far superior to yours. We have telepathic communication, you have group texts. We have exactly ZERO need for clothing of any kind, you have jeggings. We have INTERSTELLAR space travel, you have Elon Musk. It was all about Jeff, and if the original Jurassic Park taught us anything besides the most important tenets of chaos theory, it’s that a man who still looks fuckable rocking a motorcycle jacket, curly hair, and transition lenses, is not to be fucked with.
We should have known that Jeff was an endeavor not even we could pull off. In retrospect, we think maybe Bill Pullman would have been an easier target, but we were too worried about the movie turning into a rom-com. Happy Birthday, America. Sorry your party sucked in 1996. It was still better than choking down Jello shots and overcooked hot dogs, and you know it.
