How Asking the Right Question Can Help You Get Better Things in Life
That Frustrating Argument
Have you ever been endlessly stuck in an argument with someone? You went in to ask for something you want. But you are talking about the same things again and again, going in circles and getting frustrated. Neither of you is willing to concede. You just know that you are not going to get what you want at the end of this.
It could be with your colleague over a project. It could be with your spouse on how to raise your child. Or it could be with your roommate over who can have that last piece of cake in the fridge!
Asking ‘Why’ Strategically
Asking yourself why you want what you are asking for can make a huge difference in such situations. Go one step further. Ask why the other person is making certain demands.
When you ask why, you are essentially moving from ‘position’ to ‘interests’. When you are demanding something, you are taking a ‘position’. It often sounds strong and inflexible.
Here is an example. You go to your boss and ask for a promotion. Now this is a ‘position’ — “I want a bigger salary”. There isn’t much to work with here. Your boss’s response is going to be either Yes or No.
If your boss says Yes, all is well. If he says No, that frustrating argument can rise again. Or even worse, silent resentment.
Instead, tell your boss why you want the raise. Perhaps you are paying more for fuel nowadays. Or you have a kid now that needs day care. Maybe you are getting projects nobody likes, and you think more money can keep you motivated.
What you have here are ‘interests’! These are the reasons why you want the salary hike. You have created scope for further discussion. Maybe a raise is not possible but you can get projects that you really like. Or you might discover that your boss wants to organise buses for his staff to come to work because others are complaining about fuel prices too.
The 3 Steps to Getting More
Pause and use these three simple steps, the next time you are stuck in a negotiation.
- Identify your interests: Ask yourself why you want what you want.
- Identify the other person’s interests: Ask her why she wants what she wants.
- Have a kick-ass conversation: Talk with interests in mind and not the positions both of you initially took.
I bet the conversation is going to be more productive. Wars have been averted by asking the question Why. Google Camp David Accords when you find time.
Thanks to William Ury and Roger Fisher who wrote “Getting to Yes”
