Parent or Personal Assistant?
It’s a fine line between being your child’s parent and their agent these days…
It’s holiday season again. That means spreadsheets. Possibly even with multiple tabs. There seems to be a never-ending laundry list of events, outfits and presents. And of course, there’s so much actual laundry. For my children, not me. I’m just another “personal assistant parent” to three over-scheduled children.
It starts with mummy and baby class — just once a week, easy enough. Then comes the piano, soccer and swim lessons, with all of their “necessary” impractical equipment and recurring payments. With new activities come new friends, which leads to endless playdates, usually involving drinks called “babyccinos.”
Oh wait, you want another baby, you say? Go for it! But don’t kid yourself — the second child is obviously not going to participate in the panoply of activities the first child experienced because a) the novelty is now gone — those classes weren’t so great anyway, b) they will learn through the older child, so you tell yourself and c) you simply cannot be bothered. Don’t even get me started on the third — the child whose main sustenance comes from whatever has been left in the car seats.
Once the children start school the pace picks up. Various channels come at you constantly — email, text, Twitter, and that passive aggressive homework planner that reads “Mum — please pack pocket-size, nut-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, mushy-proof snack for tomorrow’s field trip. Please also remember hats/gloves/scarves/boots in case of inclement weather, extra money for the gift shop trip and also the full sports kit for the match after school.” This often means your children look ready for a NASA space expedition even if they are only going down the block to school for one day.
But not to worry! The art of personal assisting is all about creating order out of chaos for those who pay you, or in your children’s case, whine endlessly about how so-and-so does so many more cool activities than they do.
Take a multi-pronged approach. Put personalised notes into your Google calendar and colour code them when time allows (never). Good luck actually remembering what those notes mean when the date arrives. You can also rig up some “magic matrices.” You will need one matrix for meal/snack/drink requirements and another for clothing/equipment requirements for each day of the week. The matrices should be used to get organised each morning. Instead they are usually used for the “Oh fk, I forgot!” moment every afternoon.
For birthdays or play dates, always have some cakes or cupcakes in the freezer in the event a homemade attempt goes horribly wrong (often) or the delivery doesn’t show up (supply chain issues!). Buy gender-neutral gifts for wide age ranges and wrap in bulk. You may forget about them but your little angels will find and unwrap them to remind you.
Christmas adds a special layer of complexity with gifts and extra events. You could add an additional matrix but posting the gift list on the fridge somewhat spoils the surprise. The best solution is generally a password-protected spreadsheet. Of course, the minute you go to the bathroom and forget to close your laptop, your kids will see everything. They will then ask what Santa and Amazon have to do with one another as you slam the laptop down and mumble something about “mummy’s work.”
The good news is that you can expect direct and regular feedback on your performance from your mini-managers. This usually comes in the form of “WE forgot to hand in the diorama for science” or “WE didn’t practise enough piano.” Perhaps you didn’t realise WE were getting a second round of diplomas?
A personal assistant is always calm under stress. So when the crocodile tears pour out as “WE gave the crappiest gift ever” or “WE forgot to make a life-size compostable puppet” take it in stride. Don’t long for the days when parents were not expected to do anything because texts and emails didn’t exist — even though you may want to. Embrace the utter complexity that is childhood today and rise to the challenge. Or consider hiring someone with better social media and matrix skills.
