The Friendships We Need

We’ve all heard the old saying “Blood is thicker than water”. Well, thats a lie. Sometimes.

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” is the original saying and it’s the more accurate one.

The friends that we choose are sometimes closer to us than the family that we are born with. That’s the point I’m making.

Let’s go back to 1999. I had just moved to a new city with my mother and sisters. I had met a cousin (by marriage) I didn’t know I had, a new friend. Let’s call him Michael. Little did I know that he would turn out to be a lifelong friend.

A year later I would meet another lifelong friend at school. Let’s call him Cole. I was introduced to him by Michael. The same year I met the fourth member of our group. We’ll call him Glenn. This is in the 8th grade. How many people can say they met their brothers in the 8th grade?

Over the years we all grew closer. We called each other “brother” and meant it. We spent a lot of time together. We got into a lot of trouble together and got each other out of a lot of trouble. Our mothers took each of us in as if we were her own adopted sons. We often found ourselves at one of the other’s houses even if they weren’t there. I was raised with two sisters but I had found brothers in these young men.

Fast forward to my junior year in high school. Another friend of mine who I’m still in touch with today introduced me to Lamar, who would be my best friend and the future best man at my wedding.

Lamar and I have been through a lot together. We have lived together on multiple occasions, and we’ve had gaps in our friendship where we didn’t talk to each other, but our friendship always persists. Now years later we are the Godfathers to each other’s children.

Years later I started a new job and a few different people would take me under their wing. Two of them became good friends and one of the two became another brother. Now I know you think I use this word lightly but I don’t these are people who I have counted on repeatedly. These are men I know I could call if anything was going wrong.

Something you have to understand about men’s friendships and brotherhood is that it doesn’t require constant communication. Women seem baffled when they find out that men don’t need to constantly be in contact with someone to call them their friends. I’ve gone months without talking to some of my closest friends, but when we do talk, nothing has changed between us.

Even with all these brothers, I was still missing something in the friendship department. I was missing someone I could truly tell all my feelings to. My deepest hurts and pains. Now I know most people think that your significant other (S/O) is that person but for men, that’s not the case.

For men, it’s much harder to tell anyone how you feel, especially when it’s something you see as making you weak. You are supposed to be the strong one in a relationship the provider and protector. Protectors can’t show weakness. I know that sounds old-school and outdated, but it’s the reality of being the man in a relationship. If you show weakness, regardless of how your S/O feels about you she will think a little less of you.

Then there’s the feeling of being a burden to someone. Heaping your emotional damage onto another and asking them to help you carry it is not something men are good at.

There’s also the added stress of how your S/O will feel when you tell her that something she did is what’s bothering you. No offense ladies, but most of you can’t handle it when your man brings up something you’re doing that bothers him. A lot of men have had to console their spouses after telling them that they did something the man didn’t like.

A few years later I got back into church. My wife and I both decided that it was time. Luckily for me, a new men’s group had just started. Now this was a church-wide men’s group. We met once a month for breakfast, fellowship, and a short sermon.

At the gathering, they encourage you to speak with the men at your table, to share contact information, and to fellowship outside of the church. One of the men at our table decided that he wanted to start a small group. That was almost 3 years ago. Now I speak to all of these men multiple times a week and we have become emotional support for each other. Our group has doubled in size since our original meeting.

There is nothing that happens in my life good or bad that I cannot share with these men. Particularly when something is difficult, when I am hurting I know I can go to talk to them and there will be no judgment. There will be no shame. Only love, kindness, and words of advice. It’s not always advice I want to hear, but I know it’s what I need to hear.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I couldn’t have this friendship with the other men I’ve met and called my brothers for over a decade. The reason I can’t do that with them is we never cultivated that part of our friendship. Yes, we were there for each other, and yes we know we can call each other when anything is wrong. Something tangible that we can help fix. The car broke down, I’m there. You need some money. I’m there. Your girl cheated on you. I’ll help you move. You want to talk about your feelings. I don’t know how to help you.

I do have two other friends who I’ve recently built this friendship with. Having a couple more men I can lean on emotionally, has been a game changer.

I don’t know why my other friends and I never cultivated that type of friendship but we didn’t and we still haven’t. I’ve tried to broach the subject a few times, we all have but none of us ever stuck to it. Maybe one day we’ll get it right and I’ll have more men that I can share my true feelings with.

I say all this to men everywhere. You need to share your feelings and I don’t just mean with a psychiatrist. You need to have friends and brothers that you can call on when you’re hurting emotionally. When you need guidance and not someone who’s just going to go along with the anger and hurt that you’re feeling and tell you that you’re right. Men who are going to tell you that you screwed up. Men who aren’t just going to tell you that your feelings are validated. Men who will hold you accountable and help you work through your pain.

I hope this was helpful to someone. I hope more men will find the friends they need. Don’t be satisfied with friendships that don’t allow you to express yourself. I’m not saying get rid of your friends you can’t be 100% with, I’m saying either grow those relationships or add on to your friend group.

I’ll see you in the comments.