If I be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like
If I be drunk, please let me be
Maybe prop me up if I need to pee
If I be drunk, I promise I’m fine
I’ll sober myself in the course of due time
If I be drunk, I’m probably warm
Pants may come off, that’s usually the norm
If I be drunk, please don’t tell my boss
She’s not real happy when I’m on the sauce
If I be drunk, I might dance on a table
Be ready to run, I won’t be so stable
If I be drunk, & by drunk — I Mean Rurnt
Do not be nervous, I’m already turnt
If I be drunk, I will want some grub
Scrapple & eggs & grits & bub
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to sing
Wait, no, no chance, you know Paper Rings?
If I be drunk, it might be to cope
The world is fucked, I’ve lost so much hope
If I be drunk, consider the sitch
Dystopian nightmare & me eyes often twitch
If I be drunk, it won’t be for long
I’ll straighten right up — once Cheech smokes out Chong
If I be drunk, I promise — my dear
I’ll try real hard to not spill my beer
If I be drunk, might get a tattoo
Portrait of cat, sitting in loo
If I be drunk, & meet with Jeff Bez. — os
I hope that fucker ain’t eating my ques. — o
If I be drunk, it’s probably late
Though possibly early, depends on my state
If I be drunk, I could make us some eggs
But really, don’t ask — if there’s still untapped kegs
If I be drunk, in time I’ll be drunker
Probably best if I don’t drive my clunker
If I be drunk, the moon must be out
Have I told you about that time I had gout?
If I be drunk, please feed the cats
I tend to forget when drinking from vats
If I be drunk, we must toast your success
I’d like to toast mine but I’m a hot fucking mess
If I be drunk, I might quote Faust
And in case you’re wondering, I’ll include notes from Proust
If I be drunk, inevitably someone will say
For fuck’s sake man, you’re in my fucking way
To which I will quietly retort
Piss off ya hoser, pour me a port
If I be drunk, you know, completely shatfaced
My friend may — affectionately — call me rat face
If I be drunk, my keys are over there
Just past the goats on the eight legged chair
If I be drunk, please shush your mouth
I’ll lay where I lie & I’ll piss on your couch
If I be drunk, or if drunk I be
Fer the love of Christ & Baby Jesus, don’t bring me iced tea
If I be drunk, you just may find
I move left & then right, can’t walk a straight line
If I be drunk as Christmas draws near
I’ll greet you with bells on — shit-tons of cheer
If I be drunk on the eve of the Eve
I’m probly having grasshoppers with Willie and Steve
If I be drunk on Christmas Eve proper
I’m caroling with Oprah, Nigel Hayes & Mark Knopfler
If I be drunk, and it’s Christmas Day
I’m at the North Pole, passed out in a sleigh
If I be drunk and Christmas be past
I’m at Barnes & Noble reading Condé Nast
If I be drunk at midnight 31 December
It’s a solid bet I will not remember
If I be drunk on 2 January,
The only things dry are my martini & my sherry
So if I be drunk & you happen upon me
We can talk about Love — & Rodgers & Majikowski
Or if I be schnookered & I’m itching for a fight
We can talk Vikings Super Bowl titles, or whatever, all night
& if I be drunk, past 3 sheets to the wind
I’ve stopped putting tonic in with my gin
If I be drunk, like McNulty & Bunk
Before you drive off, make sure I’m not in your trunk
If I be drunk on white wine or whiskey
I’m no longer averse to being quite risky
If I be smashed, like FUBAR but more
much obliged if you’d join me down here on the floor
If I be super drunk & time disappears
DO NOT let me talk you into a few more beers
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to repeat What I’ve already said already
But fuck, I’m drunk, I think my name’s Ted or Betty
And if I be drunk, I may slur my words
You can shut me up with some deep fried cheese curds
If I be drunk y empiezo a hablar español
Estoy muy borracho y trataré de caminar a Mexico
If I be drunk & it looks like I’ll fall,
no worries friend, I’m just holdin’ up this wall
If I be drunk & at your party show-up,
please — do not — hand me — a red — solo — cup
If I be drunk, pie eyed & plastered indeed,
I will not follow-nor will I lead
If I be drunk on thee cheapest rot gut,
It’s just a matter of time before I give you a YUUUUUT!
If I be drunk on the 5th of September,
don’t ask, I don’t remember
If I be drunk on 15 October,
it’s our anniversary, of course I’m not sober
If I be drunk & it’s November ten
I drinks for The Corps, Bigbird, and the souls of Edmund Fitzgerald’s 29 men
If I be drunk & pass out in the park,
neighbors will talk & Dogs, they will bark
If I be drunk & the walls go to spinnin
Likelihood of hurling goes up by six trillion
If I be drunk and try making bread
Remind me I’m drunk then lock me in the shed
If I be drank, to say next level drunk
No need to poke me, I’m not getting up
If I be drunk and don’t pay my bill,
I’ll pay double tomorrow, put a note in the till
If I be drunk and start talkin’ shit
Ya might wanna record, I’m known for my wit
If my kids come a lookin’ for me at the bar
Tell ‘em I’m out back asleep in Mark’s car
If my wifey come’s through askin ‘bout me
Say I headed south to Melbourne or Sydney
If my mom shows up she ain’t there to chat
Get her 2 pints, 2 shots, water back stat
If my dad rears his head and he ain’t feelin’ right
Get him some Powers and Beamish and a dim reading light
