Floating in the Freelancer Abyss

Day 28–30 Days of Writing to Refresh My Mind

I’ve been floating in the freelancer abyss today. I’m not even sure I’m a freelancer. I think I am for the moment. I’m open to other opportunities too.

July has ben a month for me to ease back and rest a bit. That’s a big challenge for me to do. I feel like I’ve had some success. It’s benefitted me a bit. That feels positive.

August may be that kind of month too. Maybe it will be, maybe it won’t be. I don’t quite know yet. That’s OK. It’s uncomfortable. I’m getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Today was spent tweaking resumes and online profiles. This really isn’t about filling out the profiles. It’s an exercise in self-exploration. It can be a very uncomfortable one.

It brings up questions about my own self worth. Voices from the past start to get louder. They tell me I should have stayed on the safe path. They tell me taking risks has been a mistake.

The voices get louder as the day goes on. They drown out the hope and optimism I feel at other times. Working at WeWork is a contraction for me too.

It’s inspiring on one hand. On the other, it reinforces my tendency to feel like everyone else around me has it all figured out. Everyone has it figured out but me, right?

Nah, that’s not true. I know that. I still FEEL like it’s true sometimes.

I feel like I’m grasping, flailing even, sometimes. Maybe that’s me letting go of control or of perceived control, since we’re not really in control, anyway.

This could be part of the mess that needs to happen for new opportunities to emerge. I have a growing sense that’s true. It still feels uncomfortable. The discomfort lasts a few hours. It feels longer than that. It’s helpful to remember that all things are always changing. Things can change, completely, in a moment.

It’s trying to force those moments, grasp for them, trying to make them happen that hurts. These activities cause suffering. Constantly checking email to see if something happening only makes things feel like they’re not going to happen.

Is anyone really going to respond to me since I checked email right before going to bed, by 5:45AM when I wake up? Maybe, since I have contacts in India and Europe. In all reality, probably not, though.

Still I check. Checking only reinforces my misbelief that nothing is happening.

Things are happening. They’re happening in ways I can’t control, predict or understand. There’s some comfort in that.

I’ll leave it there for now.