Day 30: The greatest gift you can give yourself is letting go.
My childhood wasn’t exactly easy. From family trouble to being a shy kid, I never had real friends, friends, who would be excited to have me in their midst. I was always a backup choice or someone who is easily dumped when a better or cooler kid comes along. So I bowed my head down and walked away. I walked away so many times I can’t even remember some of those friends I used to called them friends. And I haven’t seen some of them for many years.
I got used to walk alone. And then I moved to the city in 2000. At first my new friends became my coworkers. City also gave me the freedom to be what I wanted to be, so I grew guts to go out alone, enjoying new environment and I slowly met new friends. Some of my coworkers became friends and some friends became my brothers I never had.
Until they started to realize I was an ambitious and a happy kid. I had many talents, a lot of curiosity, lust for life and passion for exciting new experiences and yes, party. I also managed to get good job opportunities, I was an excellent speaker, successful guy and a happy camper to be with if you wanted to be in an joyful social circle.
As it turns out, people hate happy people. Let me rephrase that. Unhappy people hate happy people. In our country jealousy is also a national sport, so every time I had great things happening to me, that didn’t sit well with my friends. And the more I got good in what I did and I had more ideas, the more I was left alone. Or pushed away, or ridiculed or just discouraged to pursue something more than an average life. It got lonely. I started to think what was wrong about me. I got really depressed and I spent some of my younger years in pain and tears. It took me many years to realize there was nothing wrong with me. Except one thing — I kept clinging to those friends, because I didn’t want to be alone. Loneliness was so frightening I even drank sometimes alone at home, just to escape that feeling that I was lonely, without friends to hang out with. And when I was with those friends, it even got so far that I agreed everything with them, I didn’t even have my own opinion, I dismissed my entrepreneurial ideas because they said I will never make it. Or they just said I was stupid, incompetent or naive.
Wow. For a guy that thinks of himself he is pretty intelligent, all that was really stupid of me. No self respect, no self reflection, no Self anymore. Just loneliness trying to get attention of friends who really weren’t what friends are supposed to be.
Last years felt like an epiphany. I got rid of those friends, gain self respect, reflected a lot on my life, explored my good and bad deeds and come to a few new conclusions.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
― Jim Rohn
My friends were not bad people, they, like we all do, suffered in their own way. What was bad of them, they tried to pull down those who were happier than them. They envied the free spirit of others and tried to destroy that freedom they saw in others and not in themselves. I’m not angry at them anymore and I certainly don’t hate them. I understand their pain. I forgave them a long time ago. That doesn’t mean I will try to get together with them.
Letting go is not giving up. It’s allowing yourself to evolve and leave behind what doesn’t serve you anymore.
Leaving that friendships behind me also doesn’t mean I give up on having friends anymore. Every now and then I meet new people I can call friends, good souls that I wish to spend more time with. With the old and bad relationship gone, there is more room for good ones.
As I look back to those old wounds of loneliness, I accepted that sometimes we get lonely, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we need to spend time alone, to reflect, to hear our own soul telling us what is good for us, who we really are and what brings joy into our lives.
With the old and bad relationship gone, there is more room for good ones.
If I could offer you advice for the 2017, is would be:
Let go of things that don’t serve you anymore. Let go of clinging to the past, let the past be in the past. Learn from it, if you can, and if you can’t, forget and forgive. Try to spend time in the present moment, look around you and recognize a lot of good things that make your life something to be grateful for. Above all, love yourself, it’s the only way you can love others, you life and the world that has so much beautiful gifts to offer us.
This post is a part of my 30 Days Writing Challenge. Wanna join me? ;)
Dear Alex, thank you for the inspiration to join this “30 days writing challenge” journey. It’s been amazing, sometimes hard, but most of the time, exciting and something good to look forward and think about every day. I am ready to write more now.
This is the last post from this challenge and I guess it comes down to one of the things I look most in my life — freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from suffering. Writing helps me with that. I guess I could call this a little enlightenment. I feel a bit of Buddha inside.
I never imagined I can write about painful things that strangers can read. I used to be afraid of that. Not anymore. I knew I can write about nice things, about optimism, but the last 30 days showed me I can use writing as a healing process, a discovery process and a diary to write down the things I am grateful for, hope for and love.
Love & Respect,
Matjaz
