Funny sex stories

By Kristin

Well, to me they are funny, but I was there. You know how that goes…

Once upon a time, I was having sex with this guy, when he decided to put my leg up in the air. He was standing up or kneeling on the bed. I can’t remember exactly, but he was upright and my one leg was in the air and all I could think about was Lumbergh saying, “Do you have those TPS reports?” I think I even imagined this guy with a coffee mug in his hand. For anyone who has no idea what I’m talking about, Office Space, people. Watch it! I started cracking up. I tried to tell him why and my explanation was not met kindly. He was definitely angry that I had ruined, “the moment”. Helpful hint, if you do something to remind me of a funny movie, I’m going to laugh.

I might even laugh if right in the middle of sex, the neighbors come outside, stand under my window and start talking about margaritas. I’m sorry. That was funny. I know it broke your rhythm and you didn’t finish, but I couldn’t help it at the time.

I’ve gotten the condom lost. That was not funny then, but now it is. I was calling from the bathroom… “Get in here and help me!” He never came. I mean, he came, but not in to help me. Which I couldn’t understand. You’ve already been all up in there. Help me find the damn condom! Thank goodness I was able to fish it out of there.

We’ve all had that oops moment, when things take an unexpected detour into the wrong spot. Yeah, it was funny when it happened one morning. We laughed about it. Forget coffee. That will definitely wake you up.

The first time I tried giving a blow job, the guy fell asleep. Now he had just driven for about 8 hours and I think it was roughly 2 am or so. I like to throw out that disclaimer to make myself feel better. I had no idea what I was doing at the time. Obviously. You can laugh at this one. It’s ok.

But my best story was the time that guy went to put on the condom and didn’t get it on in time. We were still in the bed, so we kept kissing and fooling around. Next thing I know, he had grabbed the condom, jumped on top of me and was humping away madly like a rapid chihuahua. It didn’t last long, but the whole time I was dying, laughing inside. I felt like I was on America’s funniest home videos. In fact, I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying to myself, “Is this really happening?” I don’t think he even noticed that I was not participating in his adventure.

After he finished and rolled off of me, I turned to him and said, “Ok, so what about me?” Wanting to make sure that he was well aware that 30 seconds to a minute of him getting busy did nothing for me. He just laid there, recovering from his exertion. After mulling it over, he said, “It’s just better if you have your orgasm before I have mine.” When would that have been, I wondered??? He seemed very shocked when I grabbed my clothes and walked out. I wasn’t taking my chances. Who knows if he would have recovered and jumped back on top of me again. One time was enough.

People, sex is funny. Awkward positions, weird noises, funny faces and ill timed drips as you run to the bathroom afterwards. So have fun out there! What happens today might be what you giggle about tomorrow. Happy weekend :)

Originally published at psiloveyou.xyz on January 28, 2017.