I Went on a Threesome Interview and It Was Awkward
I relocated from New York City to Cleveland, OH to support my sister and because…Rent is too damn high in New York City. Being in Cleveland really depressed me, because my life of fun was now gone and I was bored to tears. So much so I decided to create a bucket list of sexual adventures to accomplish. On top of that list was to be a plus one in the bedroom for a couple.
I wasn’t quite sure how I could make this happen since I didn’t know anyone at the time and there wasn’t an app for that. There were apps for cheating on your spouse but not one for seeking a ménage a trois. I searched OkCupid which oddly enough had many couples in search of this kind of arrangement. The first couple I interacted with seemed level headed online but once we switched to text, all the insecurities started to show and I wasn’t ready to ruin a relationship because I needed excitement in my life. So I blocked them both on OkCupid and via text because I am a mature human being.
After going through strange messages with “couples” (I’m not completely certain most profiles were actual couples, just really creepy dudes), I found a couple. A 30 something, professional, married couple who enjoyed bringing women into their bedroom. John* and Jane* were detailed and organized about how they would like this arrangement to go down. They explained their likes and dislikes and asked me what I was comfortable doing and were excited to have someone completely unexperienced with it all.
We exchanged discreet photos and conversed a little more; John and Jane asked me out on a trial interview to “see if our chemistry works in person.” I am legit going on a blind date for a threesome! Our meet up was at our local sushi spot and I told them I’d wait at the bar for them, anticipating every couple who’d walk through the door was them. Eventually a guy comes besides me and says “Brittny?” and before I turned around I prayed to God that he didn’t look like the Sloth from the Goonies. He didn’t, he was actually an average lawyer esque, and I was okay with that.
We ordered martinis and sushi, they asked me mundane questions like “what do you like to do for fun?” (isn’t that the worst question?). Eventually they got down to business and explained their expectations sexually which were, they wanted everyone to get equal play but the wife was really into watching her husband with another woman however didn’t want any kind of extreme kinky play.
We all agreed on the expectations and I passed the trial interview. I wasn’t sure if I needed to send a thank you email or not but I was excited. We set a date.
The date was approaching and I was ready! Ready to live out Britney Spears’ song “3” and I envisioned it would be an awkward version of Neve Campbell, Denise Richards and Kevin Bacon in “Wild Things”.
Then an unexpected visitor rolls through…My mom. My mom came in town and was going to be around for a month. I had explained to her that I had a “date” I had to attend the first weekend she was in town and even though I was in my 20’s, I still have to listen to my mother.
“I don’t come out to visit often. Can’t you put your little friend on hold until I leave? When you’re not at work, we should be spending quality time together like getting dinner and going shopping.”- My mother.
I did need some new clothes and knew my mom would pay for it but I also wanted to experience my Peter, Paul and Mary moment. But no matter what, she was right. My mom is much older and I didn’t need to put my sexual needs ahead of her quality time. So I canceled. And by the time she left they were no longer interested.
It’s been three years since that cancelation and it still hurts. Some people go through life saying “I don’t have any regrets,” well, I do. I regret not having that moment. [In Carrie Bradshaw’s voice] I have to wonder, will I have get over this? I just knew that couple was the perfect fit for me. Is it possible to have a threesome soulmate? Maybe I can write a Missed Connection on Craigslist for them.
I am newly single and perhaps I can try and make it happen all over again.
*name changed for the story
