No One is the Villain in Their Own Story
In high school in the early 1990s we had to read Grendel, a retelling of Beowulf from Grendel’s point of view. Grendel was classically described as an antihero because, though told from his perspective, we cannot describe Grendel as a ‘hero’ in the classic sense because Grendel lacks conventional heroic qualities.
While he might not have been a Joseph Campbell style hero, Grendel certainly wasn’t the villain in this retelling. He couldn’t be. It was from his perspective. No one is ever the villain in their own story.
The world would be a far less complex place if heroes and villains were as obvious as in the movies, novels or comic books. If everyone wore white hats or black hats we could all go about our merry way.
In fact, it’s far more complex than that. Right now you are likely both the hero and villain. Almost everyone is the hero in their own story and someone else, someone who is simultaneously their own hero, is currently playing your villain.
This is called perspective. And if we don’t understand it, we are doomed to continued failures of understanding. It’s also the key to being effective and working with others. Great leaders understand and use this to great effect.
It’s too easy to dismiss others with any number of pejoratives, though if you lack the understanding that from their perspective they are acting with heroic nature or intent, we cannot move forward. We are doomed to continually “not understand” why someone is the way they are or act the way they do.
With politics it’s quite easy to look at folks like Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and laugh because, from many people’s perspectives, they’re clowns. But not to them. In their minds they are the heroes fighting for whatever virtuous thing they think they are fighting for. Why is that?
For another example, pick any James Bond villain from any movie. From their perspective they are the protagonist and Bond is the antagonist meddling in their plans. Many of these Bond villains likely view themselves as the stronger, more principled person doing what others simply do not have the strength to do. Only they can do it. They are the hero and they must succeed at all costs. They are misunderstood and if only we could see their viewpoint, we’d agree.
It’s not likely in the above we would agree with them given the chance, though they are extreme cases. The real world is more subtle and nuanced. The people in our lives are less extreme and obvious than national politics or fictional thrillers, though the same principle holds. Everyone wakes up in the morning viewing themselves the hero, someone else is the villain to this person.
The key is now that we have this perspective, what do we do with it.
It’s important to note that words like ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are useless in conversations of perspective (think Bond v BadGuy). It will only become incredibly frustrating for both parties because, again, since both parties can be simultaneously the hero and villain, right and wrong is simply a matter of vantage point.
It’s important to note that words like ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are useless in conversations of perspective.
Instead, the productive path forward is to understand the emotion or ‘why’ behind their stance. Why do they feel that way? Why is this important to them? Why is their view different than mine? What do they see that I don’t? Do we have common ground?
Approaching people with this level of humanity can easily resolve an incredible amount of perceived conflict or miscommunication. It’s amazing to see when reasonable people feel engaged how they respond. This works so well in practice it’s my default in most cases. I don’t live in a world where someone is trying to constantly blow it up so I myself should not have to resort to extremes.
Does this mean it always works? Heck. No. While I contend this works in quite a few, even the majority of cases, there will always be someone who you find unreasonable or unable to work with, you can’t see their viewpoint and you feel they are simply missing the point (reminder, you are also likely this person to someone else). That’s fine. It happens. You still have more data than before, you confirmed something where before you had a hunch. If you approached the person respectfully, you likely also have someone who thinks more highly of you even if you don’t see eye-to-eye. Those are all wins.
And it might turn out that some of those folks are just going to be your immoveable object. So be it. The question then becomes are they the outlier or are you?
It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. The important precept in this concept is to flip the notion that people who you don’t see eye-to-eye with are “wrong”, irrational, or someone to be worked around rather than understood. Real life is not a superhero movie. Take the time, invest in people and use an approach that leads to deeper and more meaningful understanding. If we all did this, imagine the type of world it would be?
