5 things You Learn After Divorce
I thought I had all the answers. My 5, 10, even 15 year plan was set!
But when I decided, for what seemed like the millionth time, that I was done-done, it hit me, hard. I shut down completely. You couldn’t find me on social media, I barely ate and I became extra passive;
At first, I dared not say the “D” word, because, well that made it real. Then I became angry. I became angry, with no way to let it out. I became angry with the older adults in my life that did not encourage me to weigh my options. I was angry with the courts for allowing a 20 year old, naive girl to get married, like why aren’t there any age restrictions on this shit? I became angry with myself because, well, it was up to ME to make my marriage work, right? When I began to come up with a bargaining plan for God, if he would save my marriage, confirmed that I was immersed in the process. What process you ask? Grief. And that, is when I started to pay attention to lessons to come and came up with the top 5 things I learned after divorce:
That heavy (what I now know as a sole burden of my own) weight, was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life (or what I had left of it) A failed marriage means I failed. I failed God, myself, my husband, my family, I failed in life, I felt like a complete failure. It was then that I realized, I was going through the process and:
5. I Needed To Grieve
Grief is universal. At some point in everyone’s life, there will be at least one encounter with grief. I heard many times before, that divorce felt like a death. It was not until I found myself in the process, that I actually believed it.
Death: the permanent ending of vital processes. Sound familiar? But knowing someone is alive is, what I thought was, slightly more comforting? But, you no longer have immediate access to that person. There’s no insurance, you are not able to cash in on any time spent, or any money lost. You’re vulnerable, because if you were truly giving it your all, would not have had a “backup plan” (although something about a girl with anxiety still says ‘be ready’)
Grief is also very personal. It’s not uniform. It doesn’t follow any timelines or schedules. You may cry, become angry, withdraw, feel empty. None of these things are crazy or wrong. Everyone grieves differently.
4. You Can Not Beat Trauma
Both of us were filled with childhood issues that were never addressed, and got swept under the rug, as is the case in most black households. Both of us had issues of abandonment; leaving us vulnerable to the feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and no real “place” in the world. As we ventured into the journey of leaning on one another, it seemed like the hardest thing to do, for (not so obvious reasons at the time) and actually created a wedge between us. I always felt compelled to do something to heal his broken heart, but what? I prayed and fasted, prayed some more, was extra supportive in all things family, but years spent trying, just wasn’t good enough.
Thinking that you can “fix” someone, to ultimately benefit you and your needs is well, insane.
“You can’t change people but you can effect a change in them by your behavior.”-Garrison Wynn
If someone changes habits, character, perception, etc, shouldn’t it be because they chose to? That, is a mistake many people make, myself included. Before I got married, my intuition would always tell me something wasn’t completely right, but since I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, I ignored it. There seemed to be a gap, a void in his life. And baby, I thought I was the answer! After maturing, I realized that I could not fix him, because I did not break him.
3. There Is No Right, But Plenty of Wrong Ways to Cope
Looking back on my coping strategies while going through my divorce, two words come to mind: Grace and Mercy! Sheesh, if there is a list of things NOT to do while treading those waters, then I’m sure I broke them all. Faced with “spare time” that was once occupied by my wifely duties, felt weird. So what do you do? At a time where your mind is wandering freely. “What if” stayed on my mind for days at a time, and even pushed me into panic attacks often.
Hopefully others partook in healthy habits, but as for me? I worried a lot, drank excessively, partied, shopped into debt, procrastinated and basically did everything wrong (we’ll talk about the things I did right later). If I could sum up my coping skills in a song (and my favorite people will see this coming) Solange-Cranes In The Sky, speaks to my entire life!! To get a feel of my daily life during this time, click the link to listen to ‘Cranes In The Sky’
https://youtu.beS0qrinhNnOM
These new habits, were indeed all of the wrong coping strategies; but just as there was no real direction as to why I should’ve waited 10 years ago, there was also no real (logical) explanation as to how to handle it on the backend, so, I figured it out on my own.
In my open mind, I’m foolishly proud of my short comings during this time, because I learned so much. And in a short period of time. I went straight from high school graduate to wife, and skipped a few stages in between. So, when the tables turned, I knew exactly what I wanted to do; I did not pass go and did not collect $200! It took me all of 3 months to gracefully bow out, the street life was not for me!
2. Memories Will Occur: Both Good and Bad
Sometimes when signing documents, I make an advance to write as my last name, an “A;” this is a trigger for me and takes me back to a dark place in which I wanted so badly for my maiden last name to be restored. I no longer wanted to be on board with what he stood for.
On the other hand, I sometimes have flashbacks of a good time and gestured to share it verbally, though my new partner would be like ‘I don’t remember that.’ I used to get angry at the thought of him, but now I just let it pass. Allowing something that’s inevitable to control me, is foolish. We spent nearly everyday together for 12 years, there are going to be memories. Don’t sweat it.
1. Life Goes On
…if I could sum it up in three words. Yes, I know, it’s much easier said than done, but me (and the other couple of million people that are also divorced) are living proof. Like the stages of grief, there’s no timeline on your “tomorrow.” I often thought I would not make it in life after my great grandmother passed away. While in that period, I did not want to go on and accomplish things if she wasn’t there to share them with me. Though it seemed like forever, everyday, it did get a little easier.
In reality, the thought of not knowing how to navigate life without my (what I thought was) my life partner, scared me. It scared me to the point that it severely delayed my decision to file the paperwork. Having a life routine, a schedule, structure and goals in place, are important to me. Separating from the person who I had planned to do this with, was, again, a bit scary. Because God wanted me to be totally free of guilt He allowed him to drag me through mud so thick it took The Blood and therapy to get it off. So, all praise to the Most High; and thank you Ashley, I now channel that energy into my purpose. So, for you, it may not be a marriage, but a committed relationship. It could be a job, or a new life adventure. Here I am, 3 years later, doing what scared me. Life does indeed, go on!
