Authentically Me: A Journal Entry By A Woman With Anxiety
The first time the question was asked, it caught me by surprise. Looking back, I should have been more prepared. However, having spent years suffering, the fact that I felt like I had found the (real) love of my life, yet people questioned my sincerity, because she’s a woman, was baffling for me. “Did he turn you gay?” was the question that some piddled around and some came straight out and asked. Each time, the look on my face was my answer. My face, if you ever get the opportunity to see it, tells a story during every conversation. For this matter, my face gave off confused vibes, frustrated vibes, “you got some nerve” vibes. Though I could have potentially stepped outside of myself and saw the underlying meaning of their question, I didn’t. How fucked up do you have to be to think someone else’s decisions and actions dictated who I fell in love with. Now, if you know me you know, I love my girlfriend with everything in me. Ok, so the local community was a bit shook when I popped out with a girlfriend, I get it. But their roles in this were to support me, encourage me and love me the same-post divorce; not to question who I’m in love with.
One conversation with my best friend sits at the top of my brain. She asked, “so you’re really gay?” I sighed at the thought of trying to explain. “Umm I guess,” I answered. Her head tilted, as if to question my answer. “I’m in love with her, authentically.” She hesitantly accepted my answer.
Many people. questioned a lot of decisions I made post divorce and I suppose I could take it with love, but after the trauma I faced during my life, I honestly don’t know how to effectively communicate to others that I’m finally living for me.
All of my life I was taught to not judge people, not jump to conclusions, express yourself freely, love God, ya know, the usual life lessons. Here I am, current day, trying to teach these same lessons to adults. Though you could classify me as you please, I choose not to concentrate too much on titles. I’m in love with my girlfriend-period. When I was first married, I was in love with my husband. It seems people with multiple marriages, multiple fathers of their children, etc, are questioned less, compared to me being with a man, then a woman. As much as I thought I’d never have to actually say this: It’s possible!! Nobody has influence on who I love anymore except ME and that person.
After seeing the interaction between myself and my girlfriend, my friend then understood. “You look so happy,” she tells me often. “I am happy,” I reply. Because I also ‘looked’ happy while suffering in silence for years.
“So if it doesn’t work out, are you going to start dating men again?” Is the next question that comes. Fuck anybody who is already questioning the “what if” in my life, as if my anxiety isn’t bad enough!
As I live in my authenticity, I have to fight to stay there, because people try to box me with different categories of their choice. Are you this? Are you that? I don’t ride the wave, I create it. I’m authentically me!
