Me vs Me: A Journal Entry By A Woman With Anxiety

I jumped straight up out of my sleep! A familiar smell hit my nose so hard. I couldn’t remember if I blew the candle out. I scurried to the door to snatch it open, the door knob was hot! Oh shit my house on fire because I forgot to blow the candle out. I’m gone lose my life behind black cherry merlot. Why do I even like candles? Why did bath and body works have to have such a good sale? Can I go to jail for burning down my own house? I gotta get us out of here. Oh Lord we gotta get the dogs out. Where is the safe with all of my sentimental stuff?

This is why I should’ve lived right. I spent my life worrying about everybody else and here I am about to die the exact way I’ve always feared. Who is going to come bust this door down and save me? Nobody! So, I must do it myself! I mustered up enough courage to grab the door knob and snatch the door open! I stepped into the hallway, it was quiet. I checked the dogs room-they were sleeping peacefully. I grabbed the wall and tip toed into the living room where the most damage must’ve been done; I heard the water from the fish tank-it was soothing. As I began to breathe again (I don’t know how long I held my breath this time, last time was a record) the tears began to fall. The room began to spin. The floor began to shake. My breathing got faint. Cmon bitch, there is no fire! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

But I had prepared myself for a fire. I spent much of my planning in the room before I even saw the fire, you know, just in case. Only to come out to a peaceful house. I’m trying to tell my body there is no fire, but it’s not listening. I began to hit myself in the chest in an attempt to make it stop beating so fast, it didn’t work. Let me sit down for a second. Damn I almost fell. Am I dying? Is anybody here with me? I tried to yell, but my throat was too dry. I’m about to die here all alone, not due to the non fire, but from a heart attack. I’m too young to have a heart attack! I eat right, I exercise. I can’t go out like this! Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. I held my breath every time I said breathe. Something isn’t right in my brain; it’s not getting the message to where it needs to go. I try to close my eyes, but since the room is spinning, it made me vomit. Great, now I’m going to asphyxiate to death. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus. I woke up on the bathroom floor. I’m exhausted beyond words. Wow, tomorrow is now today.

LaShay Johnson