Five things that are less acceptable than reading the Evening Standard on public transport, even when George Osborne becomes the editor
5x5 Slap-faced silver spooner George Osborne stunned the world of journalism today by becoming editor of a daily newspaper despite having no significant experience in the profession.
Admittedly it’s the London Evening Standard, a freebie digest of the day’s online news and showbiz gossip around a core of lifestyle features designed to last a 25-minute commute, but you’d still expect the editor to have run a student newspaper or even written their own blog.
In a time when there’s so much competition for jobs, it’s important to know that learning a trade, working hard and proving your ability will take you to the top. Or you could be born into wealth, hang around with the upper classes and ask one of your friends for a job, especially when they’re a Russian oligarch who bought a newspaper with his daddy’s play money.
And the constituents of his Cheshire parliamentary seat must be reassured that he will be well-supported in the time he has set aside for them alongside his other part-time job as an advisor to BlackRock, the world’s largest fund manager. It is not easy to get by on a backbench MP’s salary of £75,000 plus expenses.
Reading the Standard will surely become less acceptable after Osborne’s accession, but here are five things that are still not acceptable on public transport.
1 Reading anything by Dan Brown or EL James You’ve got a book, so, go you! Tell me it was a present from someone who doesn’t know you, and you just got curious (a friend of mine once received SIX copies of 50 Shades… for Christmas), or the bookshop staff looked at your lost face and said: “This is for you.”
2 Reading a religious book There’s something terrifying about seeing someone reading a Bible or Koran on the tube and knowing that it’s probably the only book they own. And they think it’s true. All of it. Even the bits about iron age lifestyles which have almost no relevance to living in a modern metropolis. Double your tube shame if it’s a religious self-help book with a well-fed self-appointed priest on the back cover.
3 Standing in front of the doors when they open What do you think is going to happen? Why do you look shocked when people push angrily past you? Did you imagine that people don’t get off trains when they arrive in stations? (also file under: Stopping as soon as you get onto the platform because there’s no chance anyone could be behind you; Not having your payment card ready at the barriers).
4 Masturbating If you’re jammed in like a sardine on the Central line at rush hour you can probably do this more easily than you can read a newspaper, and you might not even be noticed. It’s now only 10% more embarrassing than reading The Evening Standard and 100% more enjoyable. At least you’re not…
5 Reading the Daily Mail or Daily Express Not only are you reading the Mail or Express, you cowardly, selfish piece of Brexiteering right wing shit, but you’re still reading it on the way home. Was it too intellectually challenging to finish on your way in this morning? Were you saving Katie Hopkins for the journey home to top up your hate?
