Five badly stuffed animals at Ireland’s Natural History Museum
5x5 Known to Dubliners as the Dead Zoo, the Natural History wing is an unexpected treat if you’ve already visited the wonderful displays of Irish archaeology elsewhere in the National Museum of Ireland. Brave the stone staircase which injured 10 visitors when it collapsed in 2007 (don’t worry, there’s now an alternative route) and you’ll be rewarded with a world of unusual taxidermy from the golden era of museum-building. Well, it was golden for everyone except the animals.
1 Terrible topiary There’s a hint that this will be a different museum as you’re greeted by these, umm… gamboling sheep? playful dogs? They’ve got four legs and squarish heads, but it’s not clear what the gardener was aiming for. It’s a distraction from the surprisingly small, two-storey stone building which houses the Natural History Museum of Ireland on Merrion St Upper.
2 Shabby shark The slow, graceful beauty of the basking shark is a favourite sight of divers off the west coast of Ireland, and the tattered specimen hanging above the ground floor captures none of its grandeur. The fins hang limp, the skin looks like a dog’s chew-toy, and the distinctive gaping mouth of this harmless filter-feeder has been shaped into a predatory maw. As with many of the animals on display, there’s a suspicion that the Victorian taxidermists didn’t look at drawings or ask any explorers for tips when they were stuffing the exotic beasties.
3 Batty bat Threadbare wings? Check. Pervy genital display? Check. Furious stare? Check. You must be looking at the bat-case. Bruce Wayne might have picked a different animal to instil fear in Gotham’s criminals if he’d stopped by the Natural History Museum of Ireland before he took up the mantle of the Dark Knight. Almost every non-native creature — even the koalas—has an angry visage (only the quizzical kangaroo is at peace), suggesting that the stuffers didn’t like the outdoors very much.
4 Rubbish rhino To be fair, the rhinos were recently de-horned to prevent thieves stealing them for sale into the Chinese traditional medicine black market created by impotent fucktards. That’s all very well as a comment on the devastating damage done by poachers to the endangered rhino population, but you have to pay attention to realise that it’s not just an notably crap example of the museum. Even then, the rhino, which was presumably tarred to preserve it, has a noticeable ring of stitching around its neck. It’s a remarkably placid-looking animal for the Dead Zoo, when you think how it probably met its end.
5 Angry beaver (I’m all out of Wonky Donkey rhymes) Ray Winstone sounded like an odd choice for Mr Beaver in the film adaptation of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, but you can easily believe that this fierce critter would be packing a shiv and cockney accent alongside his sharpened stick. I’m reliably informed that he used to have a bigger stick and a more prominent position in the museum, but maybe he just scared too many children?
