It’s Time For Some New MLB Awards
This year, MLB announced that they were naming each leagues Batting Title Awards after Rod Carew (AL) and Tony Gwynn (NL). I think it’s time we add some extra awards to spice up the baseball stew.
The Pablo Sandoval Demerit
In 2015, the Boston Red Sox gave a giant-ass $95,000,000 contract to a giant-ass Pablo Sandoval. In 2016, after finishing the first year of that mistake with a -2.0 fWAR, Pablo Sandoval has been shelved due to a torn labrum in his shoulder. This level of underachievement is unprecedented.
Other historical underachievers include Mike Hampton getting paid huge bucks to get shelled in Coors Field, the Rangers paying Chan Ho Park almost a million dollars per start to give up over 5 earned runs on average, and the Yankees taking a very expensive flyer on Japanese import Kei Igawa who would only start 13 games in the majors for the club. All of these mistakes pale in comparison to the damage Sandoval is inflicting on the Red Sox checkbook and fanbase.
2016 Front-Runner: Pablo Sandoval
The Nasty Boys Bullpen Award
MLB gives out a ‘Reliever of the Year’, but I think relief pitching goes beyond an individual. The teams who had success built on strong relief pitching showcased not one great closer, but a great two or three-pitcher unit who held games in check. The best all-time bullpen is probably the 1998 Yankees who issued Stanton/Lloyd against lefties and Nelson/Mendoza against righties, all of whom were harbingers of the impending buzzsaw that was Mariano Rivera in the ninth. But, the Yankees were and will probably always be boring; with their clean-cut hair and lack of beards/personality.
So, we go for aesthetics with this award and name it after one of the great nicknames of all time: the 1990 Cincinnati Reds ‘Nasty Boys’ bullpen. Charlton, Dibble, and Myers were the headliners who combined for 351 strikeouts and 44 saves that year, as manager Lou Piniella injected them routinely into games after the sixth inning. In the 1990 NLCS, the Nasty Boys allowed one earned run against the rival Pirates en route to allowing none in 8 2/3 innings in the World Series against the Oakland A’s. 24 innings of one-run ball in the postseason is nasty.
2016 Front-Runner: the Los Angeles Dodgers
The Mickey Mantle Award
Mantle is, by almost every account, the greatest player to ever bat from both sides of the plate. That’s a unique achievement, and one that should be recognized today. Mantle averaged 29 homers, 83 ribbies, and .296 batting; not to mention a .418 OBP and slugging .553. Those numbers are insane and deserve to have an award honoring them.
Last year, Mark Teixeira, Kendrys Morales, and Ben Zobrist carried the torch for the switchers; Teixeira bashing 31 dongs, Morales batting .290 and driving in 106 runs, and Zobrist batting .276 with an OBP of .359. Carlos Beltran, Yasmani Grandal, and Dexter Fowler all would have had good cases for winning the award as well.
2016 Front-Runner: Carlos Beltran
The Ebbets Field Award
When someone asks an American what ballparks they’re familiar with, most would say Wrigley Field or Fenway Park. Unfortunately, Wrigley Field is a borderline disaster zone as far as fans in the stands go, and Fenway is built like a dollhouse.
Ebbets Field was the grandest ballpark in it’s day and attracted people by the busload. The architects designed it with aesthetics in mind, which separated it from the more utilitarian parks throughout the country. The spirit of Ebbets Field is alive today as ballparks are designed not to be warehouses that people can gather to watch a ball bounce around a field; instead the parks are cathedrals that invite families and fans to sit back and stay a while, to bask in the calm pitcher’s duels and raucous ninth-inning rallies a baseball game might provide.
The Ebbets Field Award will be awarded to the ballpark that draws a high-number of fans while being recognized as an aesthetically-pleasing and exciting baseball haven.
2016 Front-Runner: AT&T Park, San Francisco, CA — Home of the San Francisco Giants
The Bob Gibson Award
This award will go to MLB’s most intimidating pitcher. The guy who is, what some fans would charmingly refer to as, effectively wild and what some fans would scold as reckless or dangerous. Either way, pitching should involve intimidation. This was a principle deep in the heart of Bob Gibson, one of the last tolerable St. Louis Cardinals. He pitched fast and angry, but could blow a four-seamer past your belly-button on the inside corner for strike three.
Pitchers like Kershaw and Sale are great, but they’re finesse guys. They’re mixologists, while sometimes you need someone to funnel you a beer.
2016 Front-Runner: Zack Greinke
The Vin Scully Award
Vin Scully is the greatest baseball broadcaster ever. “Wait, what about Harry Caray?” Not as good. “Okay, but what about Bob Uecker? Major League!” Not even close. Jack Buck? Nope. Harry Kalas? Shut your mouth.
Few people will ever be as good at anything, as Scully is at calling a baseball game.
The Vin Scully Award will be given to the baseball broadcaster who best shows passion, enthusiasm, and professionalism in the booth.
2016 Front-Runner: Vin Scully
The Orbit Award
If you don’t pay attention to mascots, then you may not know what Orbit refers to. Orbit is the mascot for the Houston Astros and he is incredible. Orbit’s shenanigans are goofy, but tasteful. He has cast out fishing lines toward Mike Trout during Trout’s stretching routine, he’s attempted to start games of Twister during visiting team stretches, he has a thing for former Ranger J.P. Arencibia to whom he wrote a large sign stating “J.P. Arencibia Cried During The Notebook”. Hilarious.
You might be asking why this award isn’t called the Philly Phanatic Award. That’s because Philadelphia is a garbage city with a garbage baseball team and they deserve no joy.
So, try your hardest out there you colorful bastards! ’Cause now you’ve got an award to win.
2016 Front-Runner: Orbit
The Big Papi Award
David Ortiz is leaving us at the end of the season. Well, he might be swayed back after completing a career-defining campaign…but that’s beside the point. David Ortiz embodies the Designated Hitter. As a National League loyalist, I hate the DH. I think it’s for chump teams who won’t let their pitcher defend himself. It’s like scrawny kid getting in a scrap and having his big sister from two grades up, bail him out. The DH is for wimps.
I’ll be damned, though, if I don’t love watching David Ortiz. The man was born to lay out dong after dong after dong, with gold chains swinging around his neck. Papi doesn’t need to catch. He doesn’t need to throw. He doesn’t need to have plate discipline. Just let the big dog eat!
It is this zeal for mashing baseballs that earn Ortiz an award bearing his name. It will be given to the best designated hitter on the Junior Circuit each year.
2016 Front-Runner: David Ortiz
The Rickey Henderson & Lou Brock Awards
The only thing Rickey Nelson Henley Henderson stole more of than bases, was hearts. The Man of Steal could not be stopped on the base path, and was only moderately contained.
Last year’s stolen base leader in the Majors was Dee Gordon. He stole a gaudy 58 bases. You know what Rickey’s career 162-game average was for stolen bases? 74. 74 SBs on average. Since Rickey’s last season in 2003, only one player has stolen 74 bases of more when Jose Reyes bagged 78 in ‘07.
Lou Brock, as another last-tolerable Cardinal, stands second to Henderson on the all time stolen base leaderboard. His 938 career steals rank first among mortal base-stealers. All of these came while playing with the Cubs and Cardinals in the National League.
The Rickey Henderson Award will be given to the AL’s steals leader, while the Lou Brock Award will be given to the leader in the NL.
The Babe Ruth & Hank Aaron Awards
These will go to the Home Run kings in each league. Don’t even bring up who you’re going to bring up. It’s not happening.
C’mon MLB, just put one of these awards on the docket.
