Eating Is My Fucking Minefield

Some of us are constantly at war with ourselves.

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The truth is that I am highly susceptible to marketing and suggestion when it comes to food, eating plans, or diets. It’s embarrassing how easily I am swayed.

Although I am currently morbidly obese (that's fun to type out) and struggling with stage 3 lipedema, I can’t forget that I have lost weight in the past. In fact, I have lost over 100 pounds twice. Both times, in less than a year.

The first time was purely a very low calorie diet (VLCD) of my own design. Typically 800 calories a day. Sometimes I would indulge in a treat like a piece of bakery cake, but then I wouldn’t eat for the rest of the day.

Back when I ate in such a regimented way, I also worked a retail job that kept me on my feet. And hey, I was still in my 20s.


The next time I lost over 100 pounds, I was considerably more addicted to the act of eating. Going back to a VLCD was much more difficult in my early 30s.

So I went on a mostly raw vegan diet instead. I also walked on a treadmill at a high incline for 2 hours a day since I held a sedentary office job.

The raw vegan diet was also low-sodium, low-fat, and low-protein… but weight loss was pretty easy and I was able to eat 1200 calories in mostly fruit like watermelon and persimmons.

It was a fast diet for weight loss, but way too hard on my teeth.


For too many years now, I have been battling information overload when it comes to diets and weight loss. I'm well-read on traditional low carb, low carb high fat (LCHF/keto), zero carb, fat fasting, paleo/pegan, vegan and vegetarian, raw foods, 90/10/10, short and long-term fasting, and intermittent fasting. But I also know about some of the more more "old-school" programs like low fat, Volumentrics, and dietary exchanges.

I've owned (and read) an extensive library of diet books including The Rice Diet, Skinny Bitch, The Zone Diet, The Five Bite Diet, Japanese Women Don't Get Old or Fat, French Women Don't Get Fat, How The Rich Get Thin, Fat Flush... and more. It honestly makes my head spin just thinking about how many diets are out there.

And one reason I struggle so much with my eating is that I can't seem to make up my mind about the right plan for me. Let's face it, if I'm overeating or struggling with binges, no eating plan will work anyway.


For most of 2019, I've been increasing my intake of nourishing plant-based foods. Trying to enjoy my food. And although I'm eating much more "healthy," my weight isn't budging. To be fair, I've been battling binges once again.

But it’s all bothering me.

A lot.

With my daughter's 5th birthday party coming up in a month, I once again feel like a failure. Like it's one more holiday where I will feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate that.

And so, here I am... suddenly contemplating keto again.

Again.

Bloody hell.


I am a little bit hesitant to share my honest thoughts and feelings about food and weight loss today. One reader called my writing a bit whiny and I couldn't help but take a bit of that to heart. As if I did something wrong.

As if I'm going to be wrong.

The truth is that survivors of trauma aren't under any impression that the world should be fair. We already know that it isn't. But we also know that silence isn't healing. Vulnerability is healing. Speaking up is healing.

Survivors of trauma typically spend a lot of time in silence thinking that if they dare reveal their honest feelings, people will think they're whiny or otherwise pathetic.

Part of the reason I write the way I do is to break that silence that holds so many of us down.


So, this is where I'm at. Contemplating keto once again and wondering why it's never really worked for me. Wondering if I could ever get a handle on my eating addiction and disorder by trying keto or fat fasting for the umpteenth time.

I am largely embarrassed to even admit that I have these thoughts. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over again. And getting nowhere.

My struggle to pick a plan and stick to it without second guessing myself is a deep source of shame. It's stressful. Like my head is never screwed on just right.

And then I start thinking... should I stock up on keto groceries this time? I start dreaming about weight loss with cheese and salami or ribeye and butter. But then I get hung up on getting the macros juuuuust right.

I change my mind so much about what might be best for me. I worry about things like clean eating. It all ensures I inevitably feel guilty for eating... anything.