I Wake Up Exhausted

And, no, I’m not just talking about the Tegan and Sara song, which is one of my favorites from their wheelhouse. I mean that, for as long as I can remember, I wake up in the morning (/early afternoon, don’t judge) feeling like I haven’t slept at all.

I know that sleep is supposed to be this restful thing. Other people wake up feeling well and rested. It’s a whole huge cultural thing. It’s how the thing is supposed to work. But, for as long as I can remember, since middle school, at least, it just isn’t. Not for me.

I spend a lot of time wondering what I’d be able to do if I got a good night’s sleep.

Maybe I’d be infinitely more productive — maybe I’d be finishing my novel, or cranking out more blog posts, or maybe I’d’ve done more than scroll through social media and struggle to write this one post all day.

Maybe my mind would be sharper. Maybe I’d have more energy to leave the house. Maybe I’d feel good enough to go walk around the block or go down to the playhouse and audition for a show, or to do something, you know?

What could I achieve if I didn’t have this fundamental weariness ingrained into my body? What could I have achieved when I was younger and still had the vitality that’s supposed to come with youth?

I’m not saying I’d be running the Boston Marathon or anything, but fuck.

A good night’s sleep is supposed to be foundational. And maybe it’s the foundation I’m missing.

With my FitBit, it’s pretty interesting to see what my night of sleep looks like. I don’t want to try to extrapolate too much from two data points, but it’s interesting, to see it laid out.

FitBit Data for March 9
FitBit Data for March 10.

Not nearly enough deep sleep, and lots of waking up. And the order is kind of screwy. This is what it’s supposed to look like:

Lin VW, Cardenas DD, Cutter NC, et al. Spinal Cord Medicine: Principles and Practice. New York: Demos Medical Publishing; 2003.) Courtesy of ResearchGate.net

It’s pretty clear that I have sleep apnea. And my sleep study showed that I definitely need a BiPaP machine.

Since my insurance in Reno dragged their feet with getting my machine, we left Reno just before I could get one. Now that I’m on the way to getting insurance here in Pennsylvania, I’m only a short melee and several hours on hold with the insurance bureaucrats before I can get an appointment for 9 months from now to make an appointment to talk with someone about getting the machine I need in 6–8 more short months.

For now, I’m using a friend’s old CPap. Not exactly what I need, but I thought it’d at least be a step in the right direction.

Except it’s not. It isn’t helping, even a little bit.

I’ve had friends tell me how miraculous this thing is supposed to be. How they felt like they’ve slept for the first time in forever once they got used to their machine.

Yeah. Not happening. Still tired.

It makes me wonder if I’m just cracked. Not meant to be happy, or skinny or well-rested, apparently.

Just tired, perpetually and forever.