I've Been Strictly Keto For A Week

Here's how it's affected the fat girl so far.

Image by KleeAlee from Pixabay

1. My hormones are definitely wonky.

Even though I’ve only been doing keto for one lonely week, I keep saying hello… and goodbye to my period. I don’t know what the hell is going on down there, but clearly, my reproductive system is confused as hell.

I have no idea when my hormones are going to level out, and I haven’t even brought it up with my “keto coach” since I know my PCOS makes my hormones a frequent dumpster fire anyway. But come on, all this off and on bleeding is a little weird.

2. I think I might murder somebody for a Coke Zero.

Which is pretty weird because I don't often drink soda--diet or otherwise. Even so, I can't help but think about ice cold cans of Vanilla Coke Zero, Cherry Coke Zero, and even the new Orange Vanilla Coke Zero.

I could go on.

And sure, I know a lot of keto folk who still drink diet soda, but the plan I’m on says no artificial sweeteners.

No “dirty keto” here…

3. So, maybe I’m a little more emotional.

This could be another hormone thing, but my emotions do swing harder lately. It’s still manageable, and I don’t think I’m going to embarrass myself too hard if you say something that hurts my feelings.

But somehow it feels worth noting that I am not completely myself, all.

4. But I'm not really battling any cravings.

This is definitely… new. A few days ago my daughter had cupcakes. The leftovers are in the freezer.

And I’m fine.

We went to a restaurant and I ate bacon instead of gorging myself on carby goodness or my daughter’s leftovers. Seriously. I’m good.

I’m thinking about taking my daughter to a sitdown restaurant this weekend and I’m not thinking about going off plan.

But is it weird to bring butter to a restaurant? Asking for a friend.

5. The worst part might be trying to not feel like a jerk for eating too much protein.

My coach gave me personalized macros and let’s just say the numbers are crazy. Like 60 grams of protein and 250 grams of fat.

Actually, it’s a sliding scale for every macro and my coach isn’t worried about my protein being too high this first month but damn--60 grams of protein adds up fast.

6. I still hate tracking my food.

I shelled out the 50 bucks to MyFitnessPal for the premium tracking features and I still don’t love it.

Is it boring? Is it tedious? I don’t even know my problem with tracking. All I know is that it kinda sucks.

And yes, I know there are folks who are wildly successful with keto and never track a thing. Is there a nice way to tell a stranger you kind of loathe them? No?

Then, namaste.

7. But I’m thinking about food a lot less.

That’s a pretty big deal, right? It’s the weekend and I’m not even dreaming about “weekend junk food.”

“Treat yo’self” means get a nice chuck eye steak or add a slice of chipotle Havarti to some bacon. As opposed to eating an entire pizza.

Don’t act like fat people are the only ones eating whole pizzas. Domino’s is selling way too many $5.99 pizzas for that.

See, I just made myself think about pizza and it didn’t even make me want some. I’m not dreaming about placing a food order or having groceries delivered.

I suddenly feel chill AF about food.

Except for Coke Zero, man. But that's not really food now, is it?

8. And I’ve actually stuck to this. For nearly 8 days.

Which means I don’t feel like a failure. Sticking to keto for a whole week probably sounds super wimpy, but in diet years that’s a big huge chunk of time because you pretty much want to see epic results the minute you begin any diet.

1 day is basically 2.56 weeks in diet years. It’s super technical.

I genuinely have entire years under my belt of failure to lose weight. I don’t know if this is going to work for me or not. But the fact that I’m actually on the wagon this long means something.

Diet years, am I right? (I mean, “lifestyle change. ”)

9. My clothes fit despite eating whole sticks of butter.

I know that image is maybe not a pretty one--sorry. But I did fit into a new pair of pants that hadn’t fit me last week. So something’s working despite the fact that my coach’s instructions have me eating sooooo much fat.

You’d think that it would be enough to just eat things of bacon. But guess what? That’s still not enough fat. And cream cheese on your bacon is pretty damn delicious, but those sticking protein and carb grams add up fast.

10. My sleep schedule is less predictable.

It’s not like… a bad thing. I’m just waking up earlier. And falling asleep at more random times.

I can’t really decide the right bedtime because I all too often lay in bed thinking about anything and everything.

And start writing new stories at 4am.

11. Working with a coach is much better than going at it alone.

At least for me, it's a thousand times better than going at it alone. In the past, I've joined keto and zero carb Facebook groups where everybody says something different. It added to my disordered eating issues and I kept second guessing every damn move.

This coach has been where I have been with lipedema and morbid obesity. She's a good voice of reason and sending her my food intake at the end of the day helps keep me honest (and gentle) with myself.

12. I still kinda miss carbs. Duh.

I suppose that desire will never go away because it's like Kris Gage says: "You're fucking human."

And I don't know what the future has in store for me and this body. Will I find peace or constantly battle my eating issues? Could I ever transition to something less restrictive, like paleo? I don't even know. But I do know it's a lot like writing--if I don't at least commit myself to do the work and see how it goes, nothing good can happen.