Losing Weight Scares Me
Where did that 120 pounds GO?
Losing weight freaks me the fuck out.
With the exception of pregnancy, I’ve only ever lost significant weight once in my life.
In 2015 (about a month after the picture above was taken) I had most of my stomach surgically removed and I lost 120 pounds in six months. My hair fell out. My skin got weird. And I felt like I was holding on to the back of a speeding train with my fingertips.
It was just all around a very weird, vaguely terrifying, freak out of an experience. Full of things that I was so grateful for. Like the loss of sleep apnea. The loss of pain.
And then I just stopped losing weight. Stability has been good for me, psychologically. I’ve been able to learn to trust that this really is where I am. I’m not going to suddenly shoot right back up to 368 pounds.
And I have to say this: 250ish pounds on the way down from 370ish is a way different thing than 250ish on the way up.
I can buy pants at Old Navy. I don’t need a C-PAP. I can fit on Space Mountain. I’m good. I’m okay. But, the next phase of my five year plan is coming up and I figured I needed to evaluate my eating.
I stopped eating Triscuits last Monday. I’m not going to lie, it was mostly because A) I was embarrassed to acknowledged that I was eating three Triscuits fifteen times a day and B)I seriously did not want to write “three Triscuits” fifteen times a day on My Fitness Pal.
Other than that, though, I’ve just been more mindful of what I eat.
And I lost seven pounds last week.
That’s a pound a day.
A normal person might be like . . . oh, hell yes! But me? I had a straight up panic attack in my bathroom.
A pound a day? That can’t be healthy, right? I’m just barely getting my hair back! Is it going to fall out again? What if my scale is broken and I’ve actually gained seven pounds? Where in the hell does seven pounds go in one week?
That last one, I think, is a big thing for me. I know how stupid it sounds, but I can’t wrap my head around what happens to weight when I lose it.
So, I’ll just focus on being intentional. Trust that my body knows what it’s doing. Try to breathe. Change is okay. Change is good. Change is my friend.
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Shaunta Grimes is a writer and teacher. She lives in Reno with her husband, three superstar kids, and a yellow rescue dog named Maybelline Scout. She’s on Twitter @shauntagrimes, is the author of Viral Nation and Rebel Nation, and is the original Ninja Writer.